ENGAGED!!!

Can you believe it?
B proposed on the rooftop of the Mamila Hotel, with a gorgeous view of the old city. And he made the cutest proposal video. All his close friends helped out. And the biggest surprise is that somehow noone let out the secret..
So here we go with wedding planning.
We need to find a place, and I need to figure out what to do about a dress. Lots to do.
Will update you soon!

BIG News!!

I'm sorry I've been away so long :(
In the meantime, U became and officer, and then proposed to SE. Who would have expected that, right? It's amazing. Cuz I love SE, for one. And I'm just so happy that things have worked out for them. She's ecstatic about the whole thing! And I'm getting a wonderful sister (in law) out of the deal :)
I've also managed to finish med school. Graduation is in 3 days! Pretty incredible, huh?
And B and I are moving in together. Just started working on finding an apartment in J.
So that's the update. I'll tell more about the J decision another time I think.
All for now!

Onward

I passed the theory test--not a single mistake!!

BA and I are seriously considering moving in together. I found a great apartment that we're going to see in a couple of days. Here in b7. It's got 2 full bedrooms that go out to a huge balcony. And there's a pretty big livingroom/kitchen downstairs. Even a bit of land outside to have a mini garden :) Would be nice to feel like I have a place to call home. And I think living with BA would force us to figure out alot of things that have the potential to be problematic.

Anyway, we're thinking about it. It would be a pretty huge step. New territory for me. I think that's our direction though. So it's a good thing :)

Exciting!!

Been a while...

Things with BA are going really well.
You could pretty much say I'm over the moon about him. Even told him I loved him. Which is a first :)
I feel so much more comfortable with him, it's unbelievable. We've been spending alot of time together recently. He's been gone 2 and a half day and I already really miss him.
Also שבתות we spent together for a bit, 'cuz we were doing the slightly-long-distance thing. We only got to meet up on the weekend. But now I'm back in b7 doing volunteering and learning to drive.
Sex has improved dramatically. Maybe it's that I'm so much more comfortable and relaxed, maybe it's an emotional thing, or maybe something just changed. I dunno. But it's definitely better. And it really does have an impact on the relationship overall.

On friday night I had a talk with my parents. It was pretty intense. Much crying in serious headache during and after. Basically it was about our relationship. We also talked about how situations with significant others should be handled, and how while their approval is really important to me, it's ultimately my decision who I want to be with.
Overall, it was hard, but I think I'm glad we had the talk.

Anyway, off to study for the theory test... wish me luck!

Birthday!

He took me to Rhodes!!
The whole going up north was just a cover for the surprise trip. I only found out when we got to the airport :)
It was AMAZING! We had a great time. Lots of photos to prove it :) We rented a scooter and drove around the island. Lazed around on the beach. Explored the old city. It was a blast.

Update

So round two is going well.
He's great. The somewhat long distance thing is a bit of a bummer. But we manage to see each other a good amount. My elective here is pretty laid back-- I finish at a reasonable hour. And his schedule for the summer is pretty flexible. We spend most weekends together.
The sex has hugely improved. This weekend was a bit of a down, but I've managed to get to orgasm both during sex and separately. Still needs quite a bit of work, but I feel more comfortable with him than I ever have. And that seems to have improved things.
On wednesday he invited me to come with him to his friend's wedding. Next weekend, starting after to wedding, we're going up north together for a weekend, just the two of us. For my birthday. Can you believe I'm turning 26??

My ophthalmology elective is cool. I think I might want to be an ophthalmologist when I grow up :) It's really hard to get a residency spot... We just our Dean's letter sent out to proofread, and I must say--mine sounds damn impressive. They do a good job making us look good! So maybe there's a chance :) First I have to graduate and then do סטאז', so there's still time. We'll have to wait and see.

Trying it again

With BA.
Probably saw that coming, right?
I dunno what to tell you. Except that my heart jumped when i saw him, and we hugged and kissed for a very long time, and it just feels good...
So I'm giving it a try.
Not so sure what's going to happen when/if I go to NYC, or when time for my clerkship comes round. But currently the idea is to take things a week at a time. We'll see how that goes.
For now I better get ready for bed.
לילה טוב!!

:(

What a terrible day!
First I had a bad day at work/school. The ward is hugely understaffed. Rounds took about 4 hours, which is about 3 hours too long. I didn't eat properly, so I ended up going to the hospital cafeteria, which is pretty terrible in and of itself.
Then I came home to discover that sometime between last night after paying for my bus ticket getting on the bus, and the afternoon today, I lost my wallet. So of course I got super stressed. There was even a god amount of money in there, so it's a real bummer.
Then I had to ditch SE who was having a crisis about the breakup with my borhter, and I felt really bad. I had to run off to meet my brother to drive to the טקס. But then my brother got held up... with SE, and I ended up sitting around freaking out about my wallet but not being able to go look for it cuz I was supposed to meet him, for about 45 min.
In the end I had to cancel the creditcards and everything... it's a real disaster, cuz it's really the last thing I need to be dealing with right now.

Aside from that, I'm just so lonely. I sit around not doing anything... With everything seeming to not be going well, I just feel like crying all the time...
On the bus ride last night and tonight I kept thinking alot about BA. It's a real shame that he's so against religion. I'm sure it's also cuz I really miss having someone, and he's the most recent relationship... But I really miss him.
I don't want to do anything stupid, that I'll regret, but I really really miss him :(

K, I better to shower and get to bed.
Early day tomorrow...

Loneliness

Well, the other thing that happened that a left out in the last post, was that it was the day before my neuro exam, and BA decided to call to check in and say hello and good luck.

It got me totally confuddled and distracted. I couldn't concentrate on anything, and it was only the afternoon. I still had a good amount of studying left to do. So after trying to focus on getting stuff done, I called him up and asked him to come over to study. I knew that if he was right there in the room, it wouldn't distract me enough. I wouldn't have to think about him and all the what if-s, cuz he'd be right there. And it actually worked. I got several more good hours of studying in that evening. He was actually really sweet and secretly ordered take out sushi so we wouldn't have to stop studying to make anything to eat for dinner. Around 11pm I stopped studying for the night. We chatted for a little bit. And then I asked him to stay over the night so I wouldn't have a traumatic night of tossing and turning trying not to think about him the entire night when I really needed a good rest before the exam. So he slept over. We didn't have sex or anything. But we spooned, and it felt safe and comfortable.

The next morning I went to my exam, and then that evening we had a talk. He really stood his ground that we weren't going to get back together. He's probably right. But I was still a tiny bit hurt. And then he left, and I got to see him walk away again, knowing he wasn't coming back. I sent him an email that night to please not contact me in the near-ish future 'cuz I can't handle it right now. It makes me think about things working out. And that's not a healthy way to try to move on. He emailed back that it'll be hard for him, but that he understands. Haven't heard anything from him since.

I'm so lonely. No one to come home to, to look forward to seeing after school. It's hard. But I guess I have to get used to it...

To help myself deal, I buy expensive jewelry. It's my newly acquired coping mechanism.
It's a gorgeous ring. Maybe I'll put up a photo at some point :)

Era of the Internet

In the spirit of starting fresh...
I joined jdate. I know, weird. But what do I have to lose, right?
I guess that show of the sexologist made some impression on me--that you have to work to meet new people. I just feel like those internet profiles don't really do anyone justice. And that the people I'm looking for won't be on there. There's still that stigma in my head that only losers who can't get a date in real life end up on dating sites. But who knows? Maybe they aren't just weirdos. I mean, everyone uses the internet. This is just another use...

Anyway, I need to focus on studying for this exam on thursday.
Wish me luck

Future?

ES slept over last night.
I was stressed out. And lonely. I dunno how I let it happen.
One good thing that did come of it though, is that the little twinkle of hope that things will work out between us is just about out.

He has a lot of issues. And I don't honestly think I could have a life with him. Our outlook is just so different. And anyway, he's too confused to even know whether he wants to be in a relationship. He has so many layers of defense to guard himself, I don't even know what's real. And there's only so much of that I can handle. At least in the relationship with BA it was real.

And although the sex is great--perfect angle and everything, it doesn't leave room for me. It's like it's complete all just from him. With BA, he kept wanting me to initiate more. And sometimes that was a little frusterating. But it left alot of room for me. Here, I feel weird doing anything but sitting back and enjoying. Which can be nice. But it's not fair. And kissing him--it just doesn't work. If I could only find a combo for sex of something between ES and BA-- WOW, it would be perfect sex.

So, despite the loneliness, I guess it's time to put all the past behind, and start the search for something new...
I hope it works out somehow...

One week later

Secret rendez-vous with BA.
I saw him at the show last night. Emailed him to say I got him 2 tickets. So he came with his brother. I saw his before to give him the tickets. It was a little weird. And then when we got out afterwards, we ended up talking. We just stood outside for a little while, and then he was hungry and cold and I hadn't eaten dinner, so we went for sushi. After sushi he drove me home, and we kept chatting in the car. Eventually we we tired, and we were sort of reminiscing and curling up in the car together. And eventually I invited him in to sleep over. We didn't have sex. But we were physical. It was kinda nice. And then he left the next morning.

He called later to say that he had no regrets about that night, and that he thinks it was good. He hopes I'm ok with it... I think I am. I mean, I don't really regret it. It's just a little confusing. I don't know how I feel. I mean, I've been spending time with ES. And after that visit to his shrink, I'm sort of wondering and hoping that maybe things will work out. And I know it doesn't make sense to stay/get back together with BA. Totally different life plans. There just isn't enough overlap. But he's really comfortable. Soft, gentle, caring. And I still have some kind of feelings for him. It's not the giddyness and butterflies-in-my-tummy feeling. But kissing him is great. And feeling him is amazing. But there's the problem with sex. That I can't orgasm with him. And besides that, I just can't see a future.
Why does everything have to be so complicated?

And then there's these hopes about what will be with ES. And I can't have both.
Make any sense?

Confused...

It's really impressive how so many things can change, and so many thoughts and considerations can run through your head in such a short time.

I broke up with BA on sunday a week ago. It was a bit hard. He was really nice about everything. I cried alot that night. Took the next day off cuz I just couldn't handle things. And then somewhat managed to pull myself together. I mean, I still think about him. And if I need to retell the story, I get tear-ey, might even break down in tears, depending on the situation. It's always hard to see the person walk away and know that they aren't coming back. I really did love him. Perhaps not as much as I've loved anyone in my life. But it was a serious relationship. And I grew pretty attached to him. He's a great guy. There just isn't any future for us as a couple. Once I decide that, there isn't much point continuing the relationship. But that doesn't mean it's so easy to give it up. I'm so lonely. I so wish I had someone in my life. Someone special who I love, and want to spend the rest of my life with. Sounds cheesy, I know. But it's the truth.

I've been in slight contact with ES over the last month or so. I ran into him on campus. We've talked a bit here and there. In the last few days, I've seen him several times. We had a few long talks. It's weird seeing him again. Like old times, but not quite. I went to his shrink with him, his offer. He's still in love with me. Realizes that this is terrible timing. But the whole time that we haven't been together I've been "the center of his world" and he hasn't been able to have any substantial relationships since then.

All of this has gotten me totally confused. I don't even know how I feel anymore. I mean, I just broke up with a guy I really cared for. And I'm going to be all over all different continents in the next 9 months. Worst time to think about rekindling an old flame that flickered out 3 times in the past. It's not that I haven't thought about him during all this time that we've been broken up. I have. I sometimes even missed him, and wanted to reconsider. But doesn't it say something that we already tried 3 times and failed miserably? How come he still has such an effect on me after such a long time?

Is it totally ridiculous to still be considering that we have any future at all together?

News

I've been with this guy BA for over 4 months. after 2 months things were great. Amazing even. I like his family, get along with his friends... And his parents' house is really nice. But things have been up and down since then. I honestly don't know what to do with him. And this unsure-ness has been going on for a couple of months already.

See, there are 3 issues, probably somehow connected to each other. The first is a really big issue--דת. He isn't at all, and it's beginning to drive me crazy. The whole milk and meat/kosher thing, the shabbat thing, you name it. It's just really hard for me to imagine a real future with the guy--how could we live together, let alone raise kids and everything. And if there's no future-- do I want to continue a relationship like that? What's the point?
Then there's sex. He's got potential. He's caring and affectionate. I am definitely physically attracted to him--he's got a great build, and amazing skin :) And he's huge! There's just something that's not working. I don't cumm. My orgasms when I'm on my own have also been not as good as usual. I have a feeling that it could be related to taking the pill. But the orgasms do exist. And I've been able to orgasm during sex with ES since starting the pill, during our round three... So why? Why is it not working?
It might have something to do with the third issue. And that is, that for some reason, he makes me feel not totally comfortable. I know, bad sign--right? it's not that I'm uncomfortable when he's around... Just not TOTALLY comfortable. And perhaps that's why I can't cumm.

Anyway, that's the scoop. I'm gonna try to update more frequently. No promises tho...
חג שמח!

End of an Era...

Eden and I ended up giving things a third try. Despite the second crashing and burning rather fast. Things were good for a bit. We both tried. He's really sweet. And he did all the right things. It's really nice to have someone who's there for you, who cares about you. Someone to do things with, to spend time with.
And the sex was great!
Unfortunately, what we had that first time just isn't there anymore. I couldn't let myself fall in love with him again. Perhaps at some level , it's partly because I got really hurt that first time. But I've also been through a lot since then. I found that he's really focused on keeping his past, and where he came from, a really big part of his life. And I'm more looking to discover the future. He wants to make sure he knows what "educated people" are "supposed to know"-- the classic canon of literature, history, art, music, etc. His world is very closed, focused on trying to protect itself. And I don't feel it would necessarily be good for me to try to open it up for him. It's just too much. I want someone who will open up the world for me as much as I do for him. When it came down to it-- I couldn't imagine being with him in the long run. It made me anxious and uneasy just thinking about it.

So, despite the fact that I honestly think he's a great guy and we have a great time together, I'm attracted to him, and he's amazingly supportive and caring, I couldn't see a point in dragging things out anymore. זה פשוט לא זה. So I ended it-- just last night. It was really hard to see him walk away and know that he wasn't ever coming back. We finally broke up what looks like for good. I mean, 3 strikes and you're out, right? But I think it was for the best.

Another Blast from the Past

Just after my birthday i met up with ES. I know, I know, bad idea. We had another one of those reconsidering situations. He slept over one night. it was nice, but made me feel uncomfortable. Some physical things happened, he still remembers exactly what i like... but there was no sex. And we also didn't kiss on the lips. It was kind of weird. A mixture of pleasurable and sad at the same time. The reconsiderations were unclear as usual--it seemed he was making an offer to get back together, but when it came down to it, nothing's changed, the same issues still exist, and he can't actually commit. The whole things was a pleasant wash of nostalgia, but it's not realistic to hold onto it.

Meanwhile, things with GL are a bit complicated. I really like the guy. Alot. I just don't know if would want something more serious with him. I know he says he doesn't want a real relationship with me. So unless I for sure do, it's not worth bringing it up. We have a great time together. The physical stuff is weird. It's not regular enough for it to get really good, but it's fun and comfortable. And I just can't decide whether I want something more serious right now.

Back to the Single Life

We broke up last week... after a couple weeks of anxiousness and trying to figure out what i wanted, it just wasn't working. I think he would've broken things off too if not for the fact that he was the one to break it off last time, and then asked to try again.

It's sad and lonely a bit. But i do feel some kind of relief. It really is over this time. I mean, we haven't spoken at all since that saturday night when we said good-bye. i guess in a way it's good. This time it's easier to digest. and although it's still hard, i'm not heartbroken. Just disillusioned. i mean, how am i supposed to find someone that i really want to be with? And how do i figure out a way to make it work? I don't even know if i believe that it really can work in the long run. And at least in the meantime, i don't know if i have the emotional energy that i would need to be in a relationship.

So, should i just fall back to the non-serious thing? is it worth it just for the physical attention and boost of feeling attractive? will i still get that feeling of closeness from it? or will it just end up feeling empty and disappointing?

Family Traditions

Spent the evening of independence day at his house in TA.

It was kinda cute actually. His two siblings both brought their significant others... I was actually at this family bonfire/bbq event last independence day, exactly a year ago. At the time, his sister's boyfriend also came, and I was the new girlfriend. This time round, i was the one who's already been around a while, and the new boyfriend and girlfriend of the siblings were the "new" ones.

He also came to the S & Y tofu extravaganza with me this afternoon. This year was his second time. It's sort of the family tradition-- we go every year.

So, things are settling in a bit. I just sometimes wonder whether i want this to get serious now. I mean, I enjoy spending time with him. Really. It's just--the last few months have kind of got me thinking about whether I even want something serious right now. And then I start thinking--what's the point? I seem to be able to do the not serious thing for a little while, but I don't think i can do it with him... there's too much history, too much that has gone down between us.

Anyway, just my thoughts. I have to get going. School bright and early tomorrow morning.

Another chance?

It was his birthday yesterday. ES.

I sent him a message happy birthday. We ended up meeting last night.
He wants to be with me.
So do I give this another chance?
He has alot of issues... he has a certain immaturity...
But I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all week. Fantasizing that maybe this would happen. And now that it's happening, I don't know what to do with myself.

Anyway, double exam on tuesday, so I have to go study. We'll see what happens.
I just hope i don't get steam-rollered again.

What's ideal?

So, it's not ideal. Far from it.

Always having to pretend that there's nothing going on between us... saving things till we're inside my apartment. Then there's this really intense usually 24-hour period where we spend time together, have alot of sex... it's weird. the sex is great, but i can't cum. i get SO close. and stay close for half an hour-an hour. it feels amazing. and i love feeling attractive. but it doesn't do it for me. i can't completely let myself go cuz then i risk getting attached. and... i dunno how much longer i can keep this up.

i want someone to love me, not just call me up for an intensive physical escapade about once a week. i mean, he does care--it's not just sex. we talk and spend non-sex time together too. and we cuddle. and he calls me up just to check in and say hello. but it's not the same. i want to be able to be affectionate. and not have to hide and deny anything. Most importantly, i want to be able to allow myself to fall for the guy...

I guess we'll see...