ENGAGED!!!

Can you believe it?
B proposed on the rooftop of the Mamila Hotel, with a gorgeous view of the old city. And he made the cutest proposal video. All his close friends helped out. And the biggest surprise is that somehow noone let out the secret..
So here we go with wedding planning.
We need to find a place, and I need to figure out what to do about a dress. Lots to do.
Will update you soon!

Trying it again

With BA.
Probably saw that coming, right?
I dunno what to tell you. Except that my heart jumped when i saw him, and we hugged and kissed for a very long time, and it just feels good...
So I'm giving it a try.
Not so sure what's going to happen when/if I go to NYC, or when time for my clerkship comes round. But currently the idea is to take things a week at a time. We'll see how that goes.
For now I better get ready for bed.
לילה טוב!!

BA

הבוקר הוא הקפיץ אותי לבית חולים אחרי עוד לילה נפלא שישנתי אצלו
התנשקנו במכונית לפני שיצאתי––אין לי מילים
כשאני איתו, אני שמחה. זה עושה לי טוב.

‫חוץ מבשיחות שאנחנו ישירות מדברים על העניין הזה של הדת‬––אז אני מתוסכלת לגמרי‬

‫ניסיתי אתמול לנסות להסביר לו משהו שכנראה היה לי פחות ברור לפני כן
הקטע הזה של המסורת מאוד חשוב לי‬
אבל תכלס, אני לא 'דתיה מאמינה' או מה שלא תרצי לקרוא לזה‬

‫בגלל זה אני מסתבכת‬

העניין הוא שאני לא עושה דברים מתוך אמונה
אני רוצה לעשות אותם כי אני מרגישה חלק ממסורת שהיא עתיקה וחשובה והרבה יותר גדולה מהחיים האישיים שלי‬

‫ולכן אני לא מוכנה לוותר על זה
זה קצת משנה את הדרך ההסתכלות שלי
אבל לא את התוצאה הסופית––שאני רוצה לשמור שבת וכו

הוא כל הזמן אומר שבגלל שהוא לא מאמין, אז זה מגוכך לו לעשות את כל הדברים האלה‬

אז ניסיתי להסביר שבשבילי זה לא עושה את זה פחות חשוב רק בגלל שזה לא בא מתוך אמונה
שזה עדיין משהו שאפשר (ולדעתי חשוב) להתחבר אליו‬
אז הוא אמר שכן, אולי אפשר, אבל שזה עושה את זה הרבה יותר קשה להתחבר לזה‬

‫ניסיתי להגיד שכן, ברור שזה קשה, שזה חלק מהסיבה שכל כך קשה לי‬

‫בקטע של–– אף אחד לא הבטיח שיהיה קל‬

‫אבל פשוט הרגשתי שאני לא מצליחה להעביר את מה שרציתי להגיד בצורה שהוא יבין‬

זה כמו להסביר איך נראה צבע אדום לעיוור

אולי אין לו את הרקע שצריך בשביל להבין
וזה נורא מתסכל אותי

Not So Good at Waiting

Since EM was taking too long, and i couldn't really figure out if there was something, I decided to ask him myself. It was a very casual wanna-meet-for-coffee-sometime kind of thing. He wrote back that he was interested, but that it's a really busy time for him right now, and so he doesn't think it's a good idea. And that he doesn't want to hurt me...

Blah blah blah.

What is with these guys? Since when are people so busy that they can't spare an hour to have coffee? Weirdos.

Then there's AT. He convinced me to come over last night. We watched this documentary that was on TV about the BRCA gene and breast cancer. Yes, I know--we're such dorks. It was actually interesting. And then we talked for a bit. He wanted to photograph me. Which makes me really uncomfortable and nervous. But he's pretty good. It's still intimidating, but the photos actually came out kinda nice. And the whole thing was sort of cute.

I ended up staying over. No sex though. I have my rule of sleeping with the guy before I, you know, sleep with him...

He's really sweet and comfortable to be with. It's rather flattering. He has good hands too--just the right kind of touch, in all the right places. It's hard to turn down, I just don't see how anything can come of it. And I don't want to take advantage--he's a good guy. So I don't really know what I'm going to do about this whole situation. I don't really want to get into another not-serious kind of arrangement... I'll have to think about it.

The studying isn't learning itself, so I better get to work.

Boy Troubles

Well, not really trouble. It's just confusing sometimes, to figure out what's really going on.

It's exam time... i'm officially done 4 of the 6 weeks. July 6 is D-Day. Cross your fingers for me, cuz i'm gonna need it.

The thing with GL started up again, though less frequently than it was in round one. also, IB came over one evening to hang out and we ended up watching a movie. Then he slept over. There was quite a lot of sexual tension going on there. Nothing really happened. Until the morning, when we kissed. But really, it was nothing. He called me last night to see if i wanted to come over to watch a movie... but i didn't really feel like spending my friday night watching a movie. I had dinner with some friends, and it was fun to hang out after. and i didn't want to risk sleeping over at IB's place... one undefined arrangement with GL is really enough for me.

I jokingly asked AB if he wanted to be my date to the party for faculty day. i mean, i wasn't joking... i thought it would be fun. i just didn't mean it as a real date. Nor did i mean that i was interested in dating him. But apparently he is interested in dating me... I told him i had just broken up with ES, and that i wasn't looking for a relationship right now. He said he'd wait. That he actually wasn't coming back to B7 till august--and would i be emotionally available then. He then proceeded to get a little annoyed with me when i danced for one song with AT, like this weird jealous-y thing... not a huge turn-on. But whatever. We also ran into him a week later at student day, and he was all sweet and gave me a big hug. He's a really nice guy. And it's kinda cute having someone trying to "court" me. That doesn't really happen to me very often. But he's really not my type...

Last week there was student day. There's this guy, EM, who's been kind of flirty with me. I knew he was going to be there. He was acting a little weird and awkward that night though. So i didn't push anything. i did think something might happen though. So when it appeared that nothing was, i was a little disappointed... Then AT sent me a message asking if i was still there, and whether i wanted to hang out. I figured why not. He's kinda fun. We've been friendly for a little while now. He's really young. nearly 4 years younger than me... i thought i had made it kinda clear that there was nothing romantic going on. and he agreed, cuz of the age difference and all. So i thought things were clear. We were dancing, and then we went to chat. I kinda let myself go a little--i mean, i'm single, and i thought we were all clear about what was going on. Apparently though, he actually has a crush on me. The dancing and flirting... well, i guess it kinda gave a bit of a wrong impression. We ended up kissing. He was being all cute--hugged me to keep me warm, and held my hand and stuff. I told him nothing could come of this before we started. He said he disagreed, but that i was entitled to my opinion. That i shouldn't worry--i had made things clear, and i wasn't leading him on or whatever. He's a pretty good kisser... and i guess it was nice to have someone, even if just for a bit. He was sweet.

Anyway, so far nothing serious. I'm supposed to go to the pool in a bit. EM said he'd try to come. There are two cute boys who i met last week at the pool who play frisbee... maybe they'll be there too. On that note--this is all for now :)

Another chance?

It was his birthday yesterday. ES.

I sent him a message happy birthday. We ended up meeting last night.
He wants to be with me.
So do I give this another chance?
He has alot of issues... he has a certain immaturity...
But I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all week. Fantasizing that maybe this would happen. And now that it's happening, I don't know what to do with myself.

Anyway, double exam on tuesday, so I have to go study. We'll see what happens.
I just hope i don't get steam-rollered again.

Onward

I've started and finished a very short lived relationship with IB. He was a sweet guy i met at salsa... kinda young. He's only 22.
He has a good heart, and meant well, but decided that he can't deal with sex with condoms... so he broke it off. i know it sounds REALLY immature, and totally ridiculous. apparently he broke up with his ex-girlfriend after this was a central issue of debate, and he didn't want to get into it again. so after just a week and a half, and only one time sleeping with me, he decided we would be better off not dating. His loss, but i couldn't help but feel a bit hurt.

And since then i've been on my own. Sometimes it's nice to be single, but i really would like to find a special someone.

After IB broke things off, i realized i wasn't really over the whole thing with ES. i proceeded to attempt to get him to tell me whether he still wanted to be with me. He was doing all these things that showed that he was still in love with me, and yet--he didn't want to get back together. i couldn't deal with the mixed messages anymore. i mean, you can't break my heart and then insist that you still love me, but that we shouldn't be together. it's hard to stay true to a break up when the person who did the breaking up doesn't actually want to break up. so i told him that i needed him to tell me that he doesn't want to be with me. and of course he was wishy-washy about it... and i ended up sleeping with him again, just for old times sake. everything feels so comfortable with him. even when we aren't together anymore. but the breaking up and getting back together thing has to end. he just doesn't have his act together. i don't know if he ever will... which is particularly hard for me to accept. but i guess it's time. i just don't want to lose faith that things can be that great with someone. it's real hard to give that up and have to start all over again.

Cultural Relativism

The new boy in my life: ES. We met at a purim party-he's a future doctor :)

I had an interesting conversation with ES yesterday. He came over before we went to see Juno (which by the way, is really cute), and we started talking about our day and such. He's been having a clinical week, and they're focusing on deaf people. There's this amazing new technology that gets implanted into the person's head, and sends signals directly to the neurons, thereby bypassing the deafness. It actually allows deaf people to hear--it's amazing. Anyway, ES was telling me how among the deaf community there is now this issue about using this technology, because it detracts from deaf culture. As in, who are we to impose our beliefs that "our" culture, the hearing culture, is better, more "normal"? There are some people in the deaf community who are refusing to give their children access to this technology because they believe that the child is fine, and that they don't want them to lose their deaf culture. Then there are others who claim that denying this technology from a child is child abuse. So there you have it--both sides of the coin.

Now, deaf culture is a somewhat simpler case, because most people would agree that the benefits of hearing outweigh those of being deaf. However, this whole discussion led into cultural relativism in general. For example, about genital mutilation/female circumcision. And from there, Eden said something that somewhat surprised and impressed me. He said that it was sort of funny how we talk about culture as if it's everyone's culture--but really what we're referring to is men's cultural rules; the women have to cover themselves, they have to cut/sew themselves, do certain jobs, wear certain clothing, abide by purity rules, etc.

Basically he was saying that we have to be careful when we talk about this whole cultural relativism business--who's culture are we talking about exactly? I was a little taken aback that he's thought about it in this way. And extremely impressed. This boy keeps getting more and more points :)