Been a while...

Things with BA are going really well.
You could pretty much say I'm over the moon about him. Even told him I loved him. Which is a first :)
I feel so much more comfortable with him, it's unbelievable. We've been spending alot of time together recently. He's been gone 2 and a half day and I already really miss him.
Also שבתות we spent together for a bit, 'cuz we were doing the slightly-long-distance thing. We only got to meet up on the weekend. But now I'm back in b7 doing volunteering and learning to drive.
Sex has improved dramatically. Maybe it's that I'm so much more comfortable and relaxed, maybe it's an emotional thing, or maybe something just changed. I dunno. But it's definitely better. And it really does have an impact on the relationship overall.

On friday night I had a talk with my parents. It was pretty intense. Much crying in serious headache during and after. Basically it was about our relationship. We also talked about how situations with significant others should be handled, and how while their approval is really important to me, it's ultimately my decision who I want to be with.
Overall, it was hard, but I think I'm glad we had the talk.

Anyway, off to study for the theory test... wish me luck!

BA

הבוקר הוא הקפיץ אותי לבית חולים אחרי עוד לילה נפלא שישנתי אצלו
התנשקנו במכונית לפני שיצאתי––אין לי מילים
כשאני איתו, אני שמחה. זה עושה לי טוב.

‫חוץ מבשיחות שאנחנו ישירות מדברים על העניין הזה של הדת‬––אז אני מתוסכלת לגמרי‬

‫ניסיתי אתמול לנסות להסביר לו משהו שכנראה היה לי פחות ברור לפני כן
הקטע הזה של המסורת מאוד חשוב לי‬
אבל תכלס, אני לא 'דתיה מאמינה' או מה שלא תרצי לקרוא לזה‬

‫בגלל זה אני מסתבכת‬

העניין הוא שאני לא עושה דברים מתוך אמונה
אני רוצה לעשות אותם כי אני מרגישה חלק ממסורת שהיא עתיקה וחשובה והרבה יותר גדולה מהחיים האישיים שלי‬

‫ולכן אני לא מוכנה לוותר על זה
זה קצת משנה את הדרך ההסתכלות שלי
אבל לא את התוצאה הסופית––שאני רוצה לשמור שבת וכו

הוא כל הזמן אומר שבגלל שהוא לא מאמין, אז זה מגוכך לו לעשות את כל הדברים האלה‬

אז ניסיתי להסביר שבשבילי זה לא עושה את זה פחות חשוב רק בגלל שזה לא בא מתוך אמונה
שזה עדיין משהו שאפשר (ולדעתי חשוב) להתחבר אליו‬
אז הוא אמר שכן, אולי אפשר, אבל שזה עושה את זה הרבה יותר קשה להתחבר לזה‬

‫ניסיתי להגיד שכן, ברור שזה קשה, שזה חלק מהסיבה שכל כך קשה לי‬

‫בקטע של–– אף אחד לא הבטיח שיהיה קל‬

‫אבל פשוט הרגשתי שאני לא מצליחה להעביר את מה שרציתי להגיד בצורה שהוא יבין‬

זה כמו להסביר איך נראה צבע אדום לעיוור

אולי אין לו את הרקע שצריך בשביל להבין
וזה נורא מתסכל אותי

Confused...

It's really impressive how so many things can change, and so many thoughts and considerations can run through your head in such a short time.

I broke up with BA on sunday a week ago. It was a bit hard. He was really nice about everything. I cried alot that night. Took the next day off cuz I just couldn't handle things. And then somewhat managed to pull myself together. I mean, I still think about him. And if I need to retell the story, I get tear-ey, might even break down in tears, depending on the situation. It's always hard to see the person walk away and know that they aren't coming back. I really did love him. Perhaps not as much as I've loved anyone in my life. But it was a serious relationship. And I grew pretty attached to him. He's a great guy. There just isn't any future for us as a couple. Once I decide that, there isn't much point continuing the relationship. But that doesn't mean it's so easy to give it up. I'm so lonely. I so wish I had someone in my life. Someone special who I love, and want to spend the rest of my life with. Sounds cheesy, I know. But it's the truth.

I've been in slight contact with ES over the last month or so. I ran into him on campus. We've talked a bit here and there. In the last few days, I've seen him several times. We had a few long talks. It's weird seeing him again. Like old times, but not quite. I went to his shrink with him, his offer. He's still in love with me. Realizes that this is terrible timing. But the whole time that we haven't been together I've been "the center of his world" and he hasn't been able to have any substantial relationships since then.

All of this has gotten me totally confused. I don't even know how I feel anymore. I mean, I just broke up with a guy I really cared for. And I'm going to be all over all different continents in the next 9 months. Worst time to think about rekindling an old flame that flickered out 3 times in the past. It's not that I haven't thought about him during all this time that we've been broken up. I have. I sometimes even missed him, and wanted to reconsider. But doesn't it say something that we already tried 3 times and failed miserably? How come he still has such an effect on me after such a long time?

Is it totally ridiculous to still be considering that we have any future at all together?

Cultural Relativism

The new boy in my life: ES. We met at a purim party-he's a future doctor :)

I had an interesting conversation with ES yesterday. He came over before we went to see Juno (which by the way, is really cute), and we started talking about our day and such. He's been having a clinical week, and they're focusing on deaf people. There's this amazing new technology that gets implanted into the person's head, and sends signals directly to the neurons, thereby bypassing the deafness. It actually allows deaf people to hear--it's amazing. Anyway, ES was telling me how among the deaf community there is now this issue about using this technology, because it detracts from deaf culture. As in, who are we to impose our beliefs that "our" culture, the hearing culture, is better, more "normal"? There are some people in the deaf community who are refusing to give their children access to this technology because they believe that the child is fine, and that they don't want them to lose their deaf culture. Then there are others who claim that denying this technology from a child is child abuse. So there you have it--both sides of the coin.

Now, deaf culture is a somewhat simpler case, because most people would agree that the benefits of hearing outweigh those of being deaf. However, this whole discussion led into cultural relativism in general. For example, about genital mutilation/female circumcision. And from there, Eden said something that somewhat surprised and impressed me. He said that it was sort of funny how we talk about culture as if it's everyone's culture--but really what we're referring to is men's cultural rules; the women have to cover themselves, they have to cut/sew themselves, do certain jobs, wear certain clothing, abide by purity rules, etc.

Basically he was saying that we have to be careful when we talk about this whole cultural relativism business--who's culture are we talking about exactly? I was a little taken aback that he's thought about it in this way. And extremely impressed. This boy keeps getting more and more points :)