ENGAGED!!!

Can you believe it?
B proposed on the rooftop of the Mamila Hotel, with a gorgeous view of the old city. And he made the cutest proposal video. All his close friends helped out. And the biggest surprise is that somehow noone let out the secret..
So here we go with wedding planning.
We need to find a place, and I need to figure out what to do about a dress. Lots to do.
Will update you soon!

New year

Been a while, huh?
Well, I feel like i'm all grown up. Finished med school, started working, moved in with who i think i can now call my other half.

Things were a little rough at the beginning- moving in together and everything. But we seem to have figured a lot of things out. I feel really comfortable and secure- like i can really count on him. It's pretty amazing really. It's hard to imagine life without him. I can hardly remember what that was like. We go to sleep together, and wake up together, and say good bye as we each head out to work.

He's really trying to find his way right now- so sometimes it's a little hard. He's had 2 jobs. One was as a mortgage consultant- turned out to be way too much telemarketing/bad boss. Then decided he actually really wanted to pursue a career in the public sector-so he got a temporary job in the רשות לניירות ערך. He's liking it, but it's only for a few months. Then he needs to find another job. So he's been putting in tons of applications everywhere, going to all sorts of tests and interviews. These government jobs are a long process...

As for me, I'm growing my way to becoming a doctor. That too seems to be a long process, with its ups and downs. I often wish there were more ups, to be honest. But i'm making my way through intern year. By the end of the month i'll have finished the first half (5 months, really), and will soon be on my way to 6 months of peds. I'm hoping that's what i want to do with my life, so I should have a bit of a better time. It's been pretty rough going till now. But i seem to be surviving. Sometimes I wonder whether it was the right path to take, you know, but it leaves me a good amount of possibilities still, and I do like the security and respect that it gives me. I just wish I had a bit more confidence... Hopefully that will come with time. So they say...

I used to have a habit of doing New Year's resolutions. So I might as well continue the tradition :)

1. I've been riding my bike to work nearly everyday- that's about half an hour each way. Which is good for the heart and muscles, but i'd like to start supplementing with pilates twice a week. I have an audio class and mat and everything- just need to get my act together and start doing it. I think it will really help my posture, and maybe even release the stress and tension i seem to hold in my neck and shoulders.

2. I need to start studying a bit. I have Feb. off before i start my 6 months in peds- and i'd love to feel a bit more confident and knowledgeable when i get there.

3. I want to try to become a bit closer with my siblings. And my parents. My mom can be difficult sometimes, and B sometimes has a rough time with it. My dad is quiet, and sometimes it's hard to feel close to him. And the siblings, well, everyone's starting to have their own lives... it's hard to keep track. At the moment all 4 of them have some sort of relationship going on. Anywhere from just-met to engaged. It's sort of a cool new stage.

4. I've become slightly Lush obsessed. Not out of control in terms of spending or anything, just I can spend hours on the internet. It's a little crazy. And there are better uses for my time. The other thing is that I have a stash- and it's stuff that is best used fresh. No point it just sitting around not being used. So I've put a ban on buying any bath products (I feel bad taking alot of baths cuz our little country is rather short on water... so i don't end up using my bubble bars up). And no more soaps until i've used up the ones I have- including the shower gels. Anyway, point is- I want to finish up the stuff I have and really only buy things that I need. Like a sort of clear-out. I feel like it's should help me emotionally clearout as well...

5. I need to figure out how shabbat is going to work for me at B's parents' house. I want to enjoy being with them, and I do- but shabbat can make it really difficult. And I know it will never just magically resolve, but i need to start trying to work it out.

Ok, so i think this is all for now. 5 is probably a good start, right?
I'll let you know how it goes...

BIG News!!

I'm sorry I've been away so long :(
In the meantime, U became and officer, and then proposed to SE. Who would have expected that, right? It's amazing. Cuz I love SE, for one. And I'm just so happy that things have worked out for them. She's ecstatic about the whole thing! And I'm getting a wonderful sister (in law) out of the deal :)
I've also managed to finish med school. Graduation is in 3 days! Pretty incredible, huh?
And B and I are moving in together. Just started working on finding an apartment in J.
So that's the update. I'll tell more about the J decision another time I think.
All for now!

Update

So round two is going well.
He's great. The somewhat long distance thing is a bit of a bummer. But we manage to see each other a good amount. My elective here is pretty laid back-- I finish at a reasonable hour. And his schedule for the summer is pretty flexible. We spend most weekends together.
The sex has hugely improved. This weekend was a bit of a down, but I've managed to get to orgasm both during sex and separately. Still needs quite a bit of work, but I feel more comfortable with him than I ever have. And that seems to have improved things.
On wednesday he invited me to come with him to his friend's wedding. Next weekend, starting after to wedding, we're going up north together for a weekend, just the two of us. For my birthday. Can you believe I'm turning 26??

My ophthalmology elective is cool. I think I might want to be an ophthalmologist when I grow up :) It's really hard to get a residency spot... We just our Dean's letter sent out to proofread, and I must say--mine sounds damn impressive. They do a good job making us look good! So maybe there's a chance :) First I have to graduate and then do סטאז', so there's still time. We'll have to wait and see.

Trying it again

With BA.
Probably saw that coming, right?
I dunno what to tell you. Except that my heart jumped when i saw him, and we hugged and kissed for a very long time, and it just feels good...
So I'm giving it a try.
Not so sure what's going to happen when/if I go to NYC, or when time for my clerkship comes round. But currently the idea is to take things a week at a time. We'll see how that goes.
For now I better get ready for bed.
לילה טוב!!

Countdown

One year of pre-clinical medical courses- CHECK
One year of study by systems- CHECK
One year of basic clinical rotations- CHECK
One month Pediatrics Sub-I- CHECK
Two months of electives in Jerusalem
One month of elective in NYC
IHM Clerkship
4 two-week selectives

Not that much more to go, huh?
CRAZY!!

BA

הבוקר הוא הקפיץ אותי לבית חולים אחרי עוד לילה נפלא שישנתי אצלו
התנשקנו במכונית לפני שיצאתי––אין לי מילים
כשאני איתו, אני שמחה. זה עושה לי טוב.

‫חוץ מבשיחות שאנחנו ישירות מדברים על העניין הזה של הדת‬––אז אני מתוסכלת לגמרי‬

‫ניסיתי אתמול לנסות להסביר לו משהו שכנראה היה לי פחות ברור לפני כן
הקטע הזה של המסורת מאוד חשוב לי‬
אבל תכלס, אני לא 'דתיה מאמינה' או מה שלא תרצי לקרוא לזה‬

‫בגלל זה אני מסתבכת‬

העניין הוא שאני לא עושה דברים מתוך אמונה
אני רוצה לעשות אותם כי אני מרגישה חלק ממסורת שהיא עתיקה וחשובה והרבה יותר גדולה מהחיים האישיים שלי‬

‫ולכן אני לא מוכנה לוותר על זה
זה קצת משנה את הדרך ההסתכלות שלי
אבל לא את התוצאה הסופית––שאני רוצה לשמור שבת וכו

הוא כל הזמן אומר שבגלל שהוא לא מאמין, אז זה מגוכך לו לעשות את כל הדברים האלה‬

אז ניסיתי להסביר שבשבילי זה לא עושה את זה פחות חשוב רק בגלל שזה לא בא מתוך אמונה
שזה עדיין משהו שאפשר (ולדעתי חשוב) להתחבר אליו‬
אז הוא אמר שכן, אולי אפשר, אבל שזה עושה את זה הרבה יותר קשה להתחבר לזה‬

‫ניסיתי להגיד שכן, ברור שזה קשה, שזה חלק מהסיבה שכל כך קשה לי‬

‫בקטע של–– אף אחד לא הבטיח שיהיה קל‬

‫אבל פשוט הרגשתי שאני לא מצליחה להעביר את מה שרציתי להגיד בצורה שהוא יבין‬

זה כמו להסביר איך נראה צבע אדום לעיוור

אולי אין לו את הרקע שצריך בשביל להבין
וזה נורא מתסכל אותי

:(

What a terrible day!
First I had a bad day at work/school. The ward is hugely understaffed. Rounds took about 4 hours, which is about 3 hours too long. I didn't eat properly, so I ended up going to the hospital cafeteria, which is pretty terrible in and of itself.
Then I came home to discover that sometime between last night after paying for my bus ticket getting on the bus, and the afternoon today, I lost my wallet. So of course I got super stressed. There was even a god amount of money in there, so it's a real bummer.
Then I had to ditch SE who was having a crisis about the breakup with my borhter, and I felt really bad. I had to run off to meet my brother to drive to the טקס. But then my brother got held up... with SE, and I ended up sitting around freaking out about my wallet but not being able to go look for it cuz I was supposed to meet him, for about 45 min.
In the end I had to cancel the creditcards and everything... it's a real disaster, cuz it's really the last thing I need to be dealing with right now.

Aside from that, I'm just so lonely. I sit around not doing anything... With everything seeming to not be going well, I just feel like crying all the time...
On the bus ride last night and tonight I kept thinking alot about BA. It's a real shame that he's so against religion. I'm sure it's also cuz I really miss having someone, and he's the most recent relationship... But I really miss him.
I don't want to do anything stupid, that I'll regret, but I really really miss him :(

K, I better to shower and get to bed.
Early day tomorrow...

Loneliness

Well, the other thing that happened that a left out in the last post, was that it was the day before my neuro exam, and BA decided to call to check in and say hello and good luck.

It got me totally confuddled and distracted. I couldn't concentrate on anything, and it was only the afternoon. I still had a good amount of studying left to do. So after trying to focus on getting stuff done, I called him up and asked him to come over to study. I knew that if he was right there in the room, it wouldn't distract me enough. I wouldn't have to think about him and all the what if-s, cuz he'd be right there. And it actually worked. I got several more good hours of studying in that evening. He was actually really sweet and secretly ordered take out sushi so we wouldn't have to stop studying to make anything to eat for dinner. Around 11pm I stopped studying for the night. We chatted for a little bit. And then I asked him to stay over the night so I wouldn't have a traumatic night of tossing and turning trying not to think about him the entire night when I really needed a good rest before the exam. So he slept over. We didn't have sex or anything. But we spooned, and it felt safe and comfortable.

The next morning I went to my exam, and then that evening we had a talk. He really stood his ground that we weren't going to get back together. He's probably right. But I was still a tiny bit hurt. And then he left, and I got to see him walk away again, knowing he wasn't coming back. I sent him an email that night to please not contact me in the near-ish future 'cuz I can't handle it right now. It makes me think about things working out. And that's not a healthy way to try to move on. He emailed back that it'll be hard for him, but that he understands. Haven't heard anything from him since.

I'm so lonely. No one to come home to, to look forward to seeing after school. It's hard. But I guess I have to get used to it...

To help myself deal, I buy expensive jewelry. It's my newly acquired coping mechanism.
It's a gorgeous ring. Maybe I'll put up a photo at some point :)

So much for that...

Well, that was short lived. i took myself off jdate. It just seems ridiculous. I can't bring myself to do it.
How can you know anything about someone through some stupid online profile??

Wish me luck on my exam tomorrow...

Weight

If I want to just maintain my current body weight, with a lightly active lifestyle (exercise 1-3 times/week), I need to have a caloric intake of approximately 1700 calories/day.

Wow. Serious obsession with weight, huh? I know. I need to work on it. I already hide it from everyone else. At least I can try to be honest here. It's a step in the right direction...

Health

So I find myself going through some sort of transition period. And when that happens, I often have a few new resolutions. Here they are:

I started taking omega 3 supplement in flax seed oil capsules. There are theories that it can help both with concentrations issues and with migraines, both of which I've unfortunately developed this year. So I'm hoping it's going to help. I've only been taking it for a week. Keep you posted.

I'm also trying to start an exercise routine. I went for a power walk this evening. Going to try to do it at least 4 times a week. And maybe try to add in some pilates and weights exercises as well. Wish me luck. Hope I can stay on the wagon.

I need to start eating better. I have a borderline eating disorder. I use food as a source of control in my life, and it's not healthy. I've lost about 3 more kilos, semi un-intentionally, but not totally. My clothes aren't even fitting well anymore. I have I think an all time low weight, with BMI 16. Definitely below a healthy weight.

And lastly for now--I need to work on my confidence. Seriously. Haven't yet figured out how I'm planning to do that. But I'm working on it.

That pretty much covers it. At least for now.