Been a while...

Things with BA are going really well.
You could pretty much say I'm over the moon about him. Even told him I loved him. Which is a first :)
I feel so much more comfortable with him, it's unbelievable. We've been spending alot of time together recently. He's been gone 2 and a half day and I already really miss him.
Also שבתות we spent together for a bit, 'cuz we were doing the slightly-long-distance thing. We only got to meet up on the weekend. But now I'm back in b7 doing volunteering and learning to drive.
Sex has improved dramatically. Maybe it's that I'm so much more comfortable and relaxed, maybe it's an emotional thing, or maybe something just changed. I dunno. But it's definitely better. And it really does have an impact on the relationship overall.

On friday night I had a talk with my parents. It was pretty intense. Much crying in serious headache during and after. Basically it was about our relationship. We also talked about how situations with significant others should be handled, and how while their approval is really important to me, it's ultimately my decision who I want to be with.
Overall, it was hard, but I think I'm glad we had the talk.

Anyway, off to study for the theory test... wish me luck!

Update

So round two is going well.
He's great. The somewhat long distance thing is a bit of a bummer. But we manage to see each other a good amount. My elective here is pretty laid back-- I finish at a reasonable hour. And his schedule for the summer is pretty flexible. We spend most weekends together.
The sex has hugely improved. This weekend was a bit of a down, but I've managed to get to orgasm both during sex and separately. Still needs quite a bit of work, but I feel more comfortable with him than I ever have. And that seems to have improved things.
On wednesday he invited me to come with him to his friend's wedding. Next weekend, starting after to wedding, we're going up north together for a weekend, just the two of us. For my birthday. Can you believe I'm turning 26??

My ophthalmology elective is cool. I think I might want to be an ophthalmologist when I grow up :) It's really hard to get a residency spot... We just our Dean's letter sent out to proofread, and I must say--mine sounds damn impressive. They do a good job making us look good! So maybe there's a chance :) First I have to graduate and then do סטאז', so there's still time. We'll have to wait and see.

Future?

ES slept over last night.
I was stressed out. And lonely. I dunno how I let it happen.
One good thing that did come of it though, is that the little twinkle of hope that things will work out between us is just about out.

He has a lot of issues. And I don't honestly think I could have a life with him. Our outlook is just so different. And anyway, he's too confused to even know whether he wants to be in a relationship. He has so many layers of defense to guard himself, I don't even know what's real. And there's only so much of that I can handle. At least in the relationship with BA it was real.

And although the sex is great--perfect angle and everything, it doesn't leave room for me. It's like it's complete all just from him. With BA, he kept wanting me to initiate more. And sometimes that was a little frusterating. But it left alot of room for me. Here, I feel weird doing anything but sitting back and enjoying. Which can be nice. But it's not fair. And kissing him--it just doesn't work. If I could only find a combo for sex of something between ES and BA-- WOW, it would be perfect sex.

So, despite the loneliness, I guess it's time to put all the past behind, and start the search for something new...
I hope it works out somehow...

News

I've been with this guy BA for over 4 months. after 2 months things were great. Amazing even. I like his family, get along with his friends... And his parents' house is really nice. But things have been up and down since then. I honestly don't know what to do with him. And this unsure-ness has been going on for a couple of months already.

See, there are 3 issues, probably somehow connected to each other. The first is a really big issue--דת. He isn't at all, and it's beginning to drive me crazy. The whole milk and meat/kosher thing, the shabbat thing, you name it. It's just really hard for me to imagine a real future with the guy--how could we live together, let alone raise kids and everything. And if there's no future-- do I want to continue a relationship like that? What's the point?
Then there's sex. He's got potential. He's caring and affectionate. I am definitely physically attracted to him--he's got a great build, and amazing skin :) And he's huge! There's just something that's not working. I don't cumm. My orgasms when I'm on my own have also been not as good as usual. I have a feeling that it could be related to taking the pill. But the orgasms do exist. And I've been able to orgasm during sex with ES since starting the pill, during our round three... So why? Why is it not working?
It might have something to do with the third issue. And that is, that for some reason, he makes me feel not totally comfortable. I know, bad sign--right? it's not that I'm uncomfortable when he's around... Just not TOTALLY comfortable. And perhaps that's why I can't cumm.

Anyway, that's the scoop. I'm gonna try to update more frequently. No promises tho...
חג שמח!

Not So Good at Waiting

Since EM was taking too long, and i couldn't really figure out if there was something, I decided to ask him myself. It was a very casual wanna-meet-for-coffee-sometime kind of thing. He wrote back that he was interested, but that it's a really busy time for him right now, and so he doesn't think it's a good idea. And that he doesn't want to hurt me...

Blah blah blah.

What is with these guys? Since when are people so busy that they can't spare an hour to have coffee? Weirdos.

Then there's AT. He convinced me to come over last night. We watched this documentary that was on TV about the BRCA gene and breast cancer. Yes, I know--we're such dorks. It was actually interesting. And then we talked for a bit. He wanted to photograph me. Which makes me really uncomfortable and nervous. But he's pretty good. It's still intimidating, but the photos actually came out kinda nice. And the whole thing was sort of cute.

I ended up staying over. No sex though. I have my rule of sleeping with the guy before I, you know, sleep with him...

He's really sweet and comfortable to be with. It's rather flattering. He has good hands too--just the right kind of touch, in all the right places. It's hard to turn down, I just don't see how anything can come of it. And I don't want to take advantage--he's a good guy. So I don't really know what I'm going to do about this whole situation. I don't really want to get into another not-serious kind of arrangement... I'll have to think about it.

The studying isn't learning itself, so I better get to work.

What's ideal?

So, it's not ideal. Far from it.

Always having to pretend that there's nothing going on between us... saving things till we're inside my apartment. Then there's this really intense usually 24-hour period where we spend time together, have alot of sex... it's weird. the sex is great, but i can't cum. i get SO close. and stay close for half an hour-an hour. it feels amazing. and i love feeling attractive. but it doesn't do it for me. i can't completely let myself go cuz then i risk getting attached. and... i dunno how much longer i can keep this up.

i want someone to love me, not just call me up for an intensive physical escapade about once a week. i mean, he does care--it's not just sex. we talk and spend non-sex time together too. and we cuddle. and he calls me up just to check in and say hello. but it's not the same. i want to be able to be affectionate. and not have to hide and deny anything. Most importantly, i want to be able to allow myself to fall for the guy...

I guess we'll see...

No Strings Attached...

Who knew i could handle it?
It's great though. Only problem is that it eats away whole days of my time, and leaves me pretty exhausted. So it's a good thing it's not every day.

The best part is, that i've found the perfect guy to have a non-serious thing with. It's funny, cuz in a way he's a lot like me. He seems to be a pretty serious character, but just not looking for anything serious with me. Which is basically the way i feel too. But he still really likes me. and he seems to be very attracted to me. it's fun to spend time with him, and the physical stuff, which dominates, is always a good time. it's amazing to feel that--that somebody wants you real bad. And as a bonus, he's a straight-forward and caring guy. we just decided that we don't want anything serious.

He slept over again last night. Second time. After the first 2 tries, sex is getting better. They say third time's the charm, and in this case they were kinda right. i mean, not the best orgasm ever, but it was a good start for the first time. besides, the foreplay is what it's all about :) Even when i didn't cum it was still nice. just can get a little frustrating. So, yeah, it's all good now...

Sex and the City

It's weird. I sometimes feel like i'm living it. The TV show, i mean.
My relationship life has been such a roller-coaster of recent. All the breaking up and getting back together with ES. And then that short lived stint with IB. I dunno.

I've turned guys into a game of sort. A game i'm just learning to play. but still, it can be kind of fun. My most recent is with this guy GL. i met him through salsa also. There's something about him that's very attractive to me--it's not his looks, it's something else. He's more mature and experienced. I was thinking about it--i've never dated anyone mature and experienced. I mean, GL is far from unattractive. but that's not what draws me to him. somehow i feel like he has alot to teach me in terms of experiences, sexual and otherwise. He's not looking for a serious relationship, which in a way should send off warning signals. But we have this strange connection. He does care about me. He doesn't want to do anything that will hurt me. And to be honest, i don't think I really want to get into a serious relationship with him. So it works out well.

He has a lot of confidence though. And he's very israeli, yet worldly in some way. תימני–ישראלי, yet well travelled. And i think the thing i find most attractive is the way in which he's attracted to me. Not in a serious kind of way, but still in a very caring kind of way. He really wants to treat me properly, for me to be satisfied by whatever happens between us.

I invited him over for a movie the other night. We're very straight with each other, there's no beating around the bush. We were sitting on the couch talking after the movie, and it was very clear that there was some tension going on. He said he wasn't going to make any move--if anything was going to happen, i would have to be the one to initiate it. Cuz he didn't want to do anything that i wasn't ok with. I asked him if he wanted to stay the night. I actually got my period that night, so i told him in advance that there would be no sex involved, but that i think it would still be fun. It's funny, the way we interact is not like a one-night-stand kind of situation. He's affectionate and sweet and caring. When we went to get into bed, he said he'd look away while i changed (he said it like not checking me out would take a lot of effort). i said there was no need for that, so he looked :) It felt good to see that a guy was admiring me as i took off my shirt. And getting into a not-empty bed was real nice. Nothing beyond flirtation had happened between us up till that point, so when the lights went off, and i kissed him, that was his cue. We had a pretty amazing night together. It even continued on in the morning, after we woke up. It was great to feel that someone was so incredibly attracted to me. He even said that it made him feel great to know that i was enjoying myself. To hear my breathing change, my moans... He said it was even better than cumming himself (neither of us actually climaxed that night/morning, but under different circumstances, maybe). We stayed in bed together well into the afternoon, at which point we finally dragged ourselves out of bed because he had to go study for his exam, and i had to get ready for purim :)

Which makes me wonder--why is it so important to define a relationship? What we have is the definition of undefined. And it's great. He's fun to hang out with, he calls me, the physical stuff is great, AND technically i'm still single, just not alone--what more could i ask for?