Loneliness

Well, the other thing that happened that a left out in the last post, was that it was the day before my neuro exam, and BA decided to call to check in and say hello and good luck.

It got me totally confuddled and distracted. I couldn't concentrate on anything, and it was only the afternoon. I still had a good amount of studying left to do. So after trying to focus on getting stuff done, I called him up and asked him to come over to study. I knew that if he was right there in the room, it wouldn't distract me enough. I wouldn't have to think about him and all the what if-s, cuz he'd be right there. And it actually worked. I got several more good hours of studying in that evening. He was actually really sweet and secretly ordered take out sushi so we wouldn't have to stop studying to make anything to eat for dinner. Around 11pm I stopped studying for the night. We chatted for a little bit. And then I asked him to stay over the night so I wouldn't have a traumatic night of tossing and turning trying not to think about him the entire night when I really needed a good rest before the exam. So he slept over. We didn't have sex or anything. But we spooned, and it felt safe and comfortable.

The next morning I went to my exam, and then that evening we had a talk. He really stood his ground that we weren't going to get back together. He's probably right. But I was still a tiny bit hurt. And then he left, and I got to see him walk away again, knowing he wasn't coming back. I sent him an email that night to please not contact me in the near-ish future 'cuz I can't handle it right now. It makes me think about things working out. And that's not a healthy way to try to move on. He emailed back that it'll be hard for him, but that he understands. Haven't heard anything from him since.

I'm so lonely. No one to come home to, to look forward to seeing after school. It's hard. But I guess I have to get used to it...

To help myself deal, I buy expensive jewelry. It's my newly acquired coping mechanism.
It's a gorgeous ring. Maybe I'll put up a photo at some point :)