Confused...

It's really impressive how so many things can change, and so many thoughts and considerations can run through your head in such a short time.

I broke up with BA on sunday a week ago. It was a bit hard. He was really nice about everything. I cried alot that night. Took the next day off cuz I just couldn't handle things. And then somewhat managed to pull myself together. I mean, I still think about him. And if I need to retell the story, I get tear-ey, might even break down in tears, depending on the situation. It's always hard to see the person walk away and know that they aren't coming back. I really did love him. Perhaps not as much as I've loved anyone in my life. But it was a serious relationship. And I grew pretty attached to him. He's a great guy. There just isn't any future for us as a couple. Once I decide that, there isn't much point continuing the relationship. But that doesn't mean it's so easy to give it up. I'm so lonely. I so wish I had someone in my life. Someone special who I love, and want to spend the rest of my life with. Sounds cheesy, I know. But it's the truth.

I've been in slight contact with ES over the last month or so. I ran into him on campus. We've talked a bit here and there. In the last few days, I've seen him several times. We had a few long talks. It's weird seeing him again. Like old times, but not quite. I went to his shrink with him, his offer. He's still in love with me. Realizes that this is terrible timing. But the whole time that we haven't been together I've been "the center of his world" and he hasn't been able to have any substantial relationships since then.

All of this has gotten me totally confused. I don't even know how I feel anymore. I mean, I just broke up with a guy I really cared for. And I'm going to be all over all different continents in the next 9 months. Worst time to think about rekindling an old flame that flickered out 3 times in the past. It's not that I haven't thought about him during all this time that we've been broken up. I have. I sometimes even missed him, and wanted to reconsider. But doesn't it say something that we already tried 3 times and failed miserably? How come he still has such an effect on me after such a long time?

Is it totally ridiculous to still be considering that we have any future at all together?