It was his birthday yesterday. ES.
I sent him a message happy birthday. We ended up meeting last night.
He wants to be with me.
So do I give this another chance?
He has alot of issues... he has a certain immaturity...
But I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all week. Fantasizing that maybe this would happen. And now that it's happening, I don't know what to do with myself.
Anyway, double exam on tuesday, so I have to go study. We'll see what happens.
I just hope i don't get steam-rollered again.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Taking a look at the past...
I'm lonely. There, I said it.
For no apparent reason (besides his birthday coming up), I've been thinking alot about ES. I can't help myself. My friend is getting married tomorrow evening. Which reminds me that ES took me to his friend's wedding. That was back when we were a perfect cute young couple... It was nice that he wanted me there with him. I was rather touched actually. All this stuff that's happened since really pales in comparison to what we had together. It's quite remarkable really.
I wish he would get this "bachelor" thing out of his system already and come to his senses that it was something really special that doesn't happen just any day. The whole "bachelor" mentality doesn't even suit him--it's not like him to go hooking up with random people. He's going to have to work real hard if he wants to go through that phase. It'll probably take him a while. And I just don't know how long I can wait for that phase to work itself out...
But, God, do I ever miss him!
For no apparent reason (besides his birthday coming up), I've been thinking alot about ES. I can't help myself. My friend is getting married tomorrow evening. Which reminds me that ES took me to his friend's wedding. That was back when we were a perfect cute young couple... It was nice that he wanted me there with him. I was rather touched actually. All this stuff that's happened since really pales in comparison to what we had together. It's quite remarkable really.
I wish he would get this "bachelor" thing out of his system already and come to his senses that it was something really special that doesn't happen just any day. The whole "bachelor" mentality doesn't even suit him--it's not like him to go hooking up with random people. He's going to have to work real hard if he wants to go through that phase. It'll probably take him a while. And I just don't know how long I can wait for that phase to work itself out...
But, God, do I ever miss him!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
What's ideal?
So, it's not ideal. Far from it.
Always having to pretend that there's nothing going on between us... saving things till we're inside my apartment. Then there's this really intense usually 24-hour period where we spend time together, have alot of sex... it's weird. the sex is great, but i can't cum. i get SO close. and stay close for half an hour-an hour. it feels amazing. and i love feeling attractive. but it doesn't do it for me. i can't completely let myself go cuz then i risk getting attached. and... i dunno how much longer i can keep this up.
i want someone to love me, not just call me up for an intensive physical escapade about once a week. i mean, he does care--it's not just sex. we talk and spend non-sex time together too. and we cuddle. and he calls me up just to check in and say hello. but it's not the same. i want to be able to be affectionate. and not have to hide and deny anything. Most importantly, i want to be able to allow myself to fall for the guy...
I guess we'll see...
Always having to pretend that there's nothing going on between us... saving things till we're inside my apartment. Then there's this really intense usually 24-hour period where we spend time together, have alot of sex... it's weird. the sex is great, but i can't cum. i get SO close. and stay close for half an hour-an hour. it feels amazing. and i love feeling attractive. but it doesn't do it for me. i can't completely let myself go cuz then i risk getting attached. and... i dunno how much longer i can keep this up.
i want someone to love me, not just call me up for an intensive physical escapade about once a week. i mean, he does care--it's not just sex. we talk and spend non-sex time together too. and we cuddle. and he calls me up just to check in and say hello. but it's not the same. i want to be able to be affectionate. and not have to hide and deny anything. Most importantly, i want to be able to allow myself to fall for the guy...
I guess we'll see...
Monday, March 16, 2009
No Strings Attached...
Who knew i could handle it?
It's great though. Only problem is that it eats away whole days of my time, and leaves me pretty exhausted. So it's a good thing it's not every day.
The best part is, that i've found the perfect guy to have a non-serious thing with. It's funny, cuz in a way he's a lot like me. He seems to be a pretty serious character, but just not looking for anything serious with me. Which is basically the way i feel too. But he still really likes me. and he seems to be very attracted to me. it's fun to spend time with him, and the physical stuff, which dominates, is always a good time. it's amazing to feel that--that somebody wants you real bad. And as a bonus, he's a straight-forward and caring guy. we just decided that we don't want anything serious.
He slept over again last night. Second time. After the first 2 tries, sex is getting better. They say third time's the charm, and in this case they were kinda right. i mean, not the best orgasm ever, but it was a good start for the first time. besides, the foreplay is what it's all about :) Even when i didn't cum it was still nice. just can get a little frustrating. So, yeah, it's all good now...
It's great though. Only problem is that it eats away whole days of my time, and leaves me pretty exhausted. So it's a good thing it's not every day.
The best part is, that i've found the perfect guy to have a non-serious thing with. It's funny, cuz in a way he's a lot like me. He seems to be a pretty serious character, but just not looking for anything serious with me. Which is basically the way i feel too. But he still really likes me. and he seems to be very attracted to me. it's fun to spend time with him, and the physical stuff, which dominates, is always a good time. it's amazing to feel that--that somebody wants you real bad. And as a bonus, he's a straight-forward and caring guy. we just decided that we don't want anything serious.
He slept over again last night. Second time. After the first 2 tries, sex is getting better. They say third time's the charm, and in this case they were kinda right. i mean, not the best orgasm ever, but it was a good start for the first time. besides, the foreplay is what it's all about :) Even when i didn't cum it was still nice. just can get a little frustrating. So, yeah, it's all good now...
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Sex and the City
It's weird. I sometimes feel like i'm living it. The TV show, i mean.
My relationship life has been such a roller-coaster of recent. All the breaking up and getting back together with ES. And then that short lived stint with IB. I dunno.
I've turned guys into a game of sort. A game i'm just learning to play. but still, it can be kind of fun. My most recent is with this guy GL. i met him through salsa also. There's something about him that's very attractive to me--it's not his looks, it's something else. He's more mature and experienced. I was thinking about it--i've never dated anyone mature and experienced. I mean, GL is far from unattractive. but that's not what draws me to him. somehow i feel like he has alot to teach me in terms of experiences, sexual and otherwise. He's not looking for a serious relationship, which in a way should send off warning signals. But we have this strange connection. He does care about me. He doesn't want to do anything that will hurt me. And to be honest, i don't think I really want to get into a serious relationship with him. So it works out well.
He has a lot of confidence though. And he's very israeli, yet worldly in some way. תימני–ישראלי, yet well travelled. And i think the thing i find most attractive is the way in which he's attracted to me. Not in a serious kind of way, but still in a very caring kind of way. He really wants to treat me properly, for me to be satisfied by whatever happens between us.
I invited him over for a movie the other night. We're very straight with each other, there's no beating around the bush. We were sitting on the couch talking after the movie, and it was very clear that there was some tension going on. He said he wasn't going to make any move--if anything was going to happen, i would have to be the one to initiate it. Cuz he didn't want to do anything that i wasn't ok with. I asked him if he wanted to stay the night. I actually got my period that night, so i told him in advance that there would be no sex involved, but that i think it would still be fun. It's funny, the way we interact is not like a one-night-stand kind of situation. He's affectionate and sweet and caring. When we went to get into bed, he said he'd look away while i changed (he said it like not checking me out would take a lot of effort). i said there was no need for that, so he looked :) It felt good to see that a guy was admiring me as i took off my shirt. And getting into a not-empty bed was real nice. Nothing beyond flirtation had happened between us up till that point, so when the lights went off, and i kissed him, that was his cue. We had a pretty amazing night together. It even continued on in the morning, after we woke up. It was great to feel that someone was so incredibly attracted to me. He even said that it made him feel great to know that i was enjoying myself. To hear my breathing change, my moans... He said it was even better than cumming himself (neither of us actually climaxed that night/morning, but under different circumstances, maybe). We stayed in bed together well into the afternoon, at which point we finally dragged ourselves out of bed because he had to go study for his exam, and i had to get ready for purim :)
Which makes me wonder--why is it so important to define a relationship? What we have is the definition of undefined. And it's great. He's fun to hang out with, he calls me, the physical stuff is great, AND technically i'm still single, just not alone--what more could i ask for?
My relationship life has been such a roller-coaster of recent. All the breaking up and getting back together with ES. And then that short lived stint with IB. I dunno.
I've turned guys into a game of sort. A game i'm just learning to play. but still, it can be kind of fun. My most recent is with this guy GL. i met him through salsa also. There's something about him that's very attractive to me--it's not his looks, it's something else. He's more mature and experienced. I was thinking about it--i've never dated anyone mature and experienced. I mean, GL is far from unattractive. but that's not what draws me to him. somehow i feel like he has alot to teach me in terms of experiences, sexual and otherwise. He's not looking for a serious relationship, which in a way should send off warning signals. But we have this strange connection. He does care about me. He doesn't want to do anything that will hurt me. And to be honest, i don't think I really want to get into a serious relationship with him. So it works out well.
He has a lot of confidence though. And he's very israeli, yet worldly in some way. תימני–ישראלי, yet well travelled. And i think the thing i find most attractive is the way in which he's attracted to me. Not in a serious kind of way, but still in a very caring kind of way. He really wants to treat me properly, for me to be satisfied by whatever happens between us.
I invited him over for a movie the other night. We're very straight with each other, there's no beating around the bush. We were sitting on the couch talking after the movie, and it was very clear that there was some tension going on. He said he wasn't going to make any move--if anything was going to happen, i would have to be the one to initiate it. Cuz he didn't want to do anything that i wasn't ok with. I asked him if he wanted to stay the night. I actually got my period that night, so i told him in advance that there would be no sex involved, but that i think it would still be fun. It's funny, the way we interact is not like a one-night-stand kind of situation. He's affectionate and sweet and caring. When we went to get into bed, he said he'd look away while i changed (he said it like not checking me out would take a lot of effort). i said there was no need for that, so he looked :) It felt good to see that a guy was admiring me as i took off my shirt. And getting into a not-empty bed was real nice. Nothing beyond flirtation had happened between us up till that point, so when the lights went off, and i kissed him, that was his cue. We had a pretty amazing night together. It even continued on in the morning, after we woke up. It was great to feel that someone was so incredibly attracted to me. He even said that it made him feel great to know that i was enjoying myself. To hear my breathing change, my moans... He said it was even better than cumming himself (neither of us actually climaxed that night/morning, but under different circumstances, maybe). We stayed in bed together well into the afternoon, at which point we finally dragged ourselves out of bed because he had to go study for his exam, and i had to get ready for purim :)
Which makes me wonder--why is it so important to define a relationship? What we have is the definition of undefined. And it's great. He's fun to hang out with, he calls me, the physical stuff is great, AND technically i'm still single, just not alone--what more could i ask for?
Friday, February 27, 2009
Onward
I've started and finished a very short lived relationship with IB. He was a sweet guy i met at salsa... kinda young. He's only 22.
He has a good heart, and meant well, but decided that he can't deal with sex with condoms... so he broke it off. i know it sounds REALLY immature, and totally ridiculous. apparently he broke up with his ex-girlfriend after this was a central issue of debate, and he didn't want to get into it again. so after just a week and a half, and only one time sleeping with me, he decided we would be better off not dating. His loss, but i couldn't help but feel a bit hurt.
And since then i've been on my own. Sometimes it's nice to be single, but i really would like to find a special someone.
After IB broke things off, i realized i wasn't really over the whole thing with ES. i proceeded to attempt to get him to tell me whether he still wanted to be with me. He was doing all these things that showed that he was still in love with me, and yet--he didn't want to get back together. i couldn't deal with the mixed messages anymore. i mean, you can't break my heart and then insist that you still love me, but that we shouldn't be together. it's hard to stay true to a break up when the person who did the breaking up doesn't actually want to break up. so i told him that i needed him to tell me that he doesn't want to be with me. and of course he was wishy-washy about it... and i ended up sleeping with him again, just for old times sake. everything feels so comfortable with him. even when we aren't together anymore. but the breaking up and getting back together thing has to end. he just doesn't have his act together. i don't know if he ever will... which is particularly hard for me to accept. but i guess it's time. i just don't want to lose faith that things can be that great with someone. it's real hard to give that up and have to start all over again.
He has a good heart, and meant well, but decided that he can't deal with sex with condoms... so he broke it off. i know it sounds REALLY immature, and totally ridiculous. apparently he broke up with his ex-girlfriend after this was a central issue of debate, and he didn't want to get into it again. so after just a week and a half, and only one time sleeping with me, he decided we would be better off not dating. His loss, but i couldn't help but feel a bit hurt.
And since then i've been on my own. Sometimes it's nice to be single, but i really would like to find a special someone.
After IB broke things off, i realized i wasn't really over the whole thing with ES. i proceeded to attempt to get him to tell me whether he still wanted to be with me. He was doing all these things that showed that he was still in love with me, and yet--he didn't want to get back together. i couldn't deal with the mixed messages anymore. i mean, you can't break my heart and then insist that you still love me, but that we shouldn't be together. it's hard to stay true to a break up when the person who did the breaking up doesn't actually want to break up. so i told him that i needed him to tell me that he doesn't want to be with me. and of course he was wishy-washy about it... and i ended up sleeping with him again, just for old times sake. everything feels so comfortable with him. even when we aren't together anymore. but the breaking up and getting back together thing has to end. he just doesn't have his act together. i don't know if he ever will... which is particularly hard for me to accept. but i guess it's time. i just don't want to lose faith that things can be that great with someone. it's real hard to give that up and have to start all over again.
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