Not So Good at Waiting

Since EM was taking too long, and i couldn't really figure out if there was something, I decided to ask him myself. It was a very casual wanna-meet-for-coffee-sometime kind of thing. He wrote back that he was interested, but that it's a really busy time for him right now, and so he doesn't think it's a good idea. And that he doesn't want to hurt me...

Blah blah blah.

What is with these guys? Since when are people so busy that they can't spare an hour to have coffee? Weirdos.

Then there's AT. He convinced me to come over last night. We watched this documentary that was on TV about the BRCA gene and breast cancer. Yes, I know--we're such dorks. It was actually interesting. And then we talked for a bit. He wanted to photograph me. Which makes me really uncomfortable and nervous. But he's pretty good. It's still intimidating, but the photos actually came out kinda nice. And the whole thing was sort of cute.

I ended up staying over. No sex though. I have my rule of sleeping with the guy before I, you know, sleep with him...

He's really sweet and comfortable to be with. It's rather flattering. He has good hands too--just the right kind of touch, in all the right places. It's hard to turn down, I just don't see how anything can come of it. And I don't want to take advantage--he's a good guy. So I don't really know what I'm going to do about this whole situation. I don't really want to get into another not-serious kind of arrangement... I'll have to think about it.

The studying isn't learning itself, so I better get to work.

Boy Troubles

Well, not really trouble. It's just confusing sometimes, to figure out what's really going on.

It's exam time... i'm officially done 4 of the 6 weeks. July 6 is D-Day. Cross your fingers for me, cuz i'm gonna need it.

The thing with GL started up again, though less frequently than it was in round one. also, IB came over one evening to hang out and we ended up watching a movie. Then he slept over. There was quite a lot of sexual tension going on there. Nothing really happened. Until the morning, when we kissed. But really, it was nothing. He called me last night to see if i wanted to come over to watch a movie... but i didn't really feel like spending my friday night watching a movie. I had dinner with some friends, and it was fun to hang out after. and i didn't want to risk sleeping over at IB's place... one undefined arrangement with GL is really enough for me.

I jokingly asked AB if he wanted to be my date to the party for faculty day. i mean, i wasn't joking... i thought it would be fun. i just didn't mean it as a real date. Nor did i mean that i was interested in dating him. But apparently he is interested in dating me... I told him i had just broken up with ES, and that i wasn't looking for a relationship right now. He said he'd wait. That he actually wasn't coming back to B7 till august--and would i be emotionally available then. He then proceeded to get a little annoyed with me when i danced for one song with AT, like this weird jealous-y thing... not a huge turn-on. But whatever. We also ran into him a week later at student day, and he was all sweet and gave me a big hug. He's a really nice guy. And it's kinda cute having someone trying to "court" me. That doesn't really happen to me very often. But he's really not my type...

Last week there was student day. There's this guy, EM, who's been kind of flirty with me. I knew he was going to be there. He was acting a little weird and awkward that night though. So i didn't push anything. i did think something might happen though. So when it appeared that nothing was, i was a little disappointed... Then AT sent me a message asking if i was still there, and whether i wanted to hang out. I figured why not. He's kinda fun. We've been friendly for a little while now. He's really young. nearly 4 years younger than me... i thought i had made it kinda clear that there was nothing romantic going on. and he agreed, cuz of the age difference and all. So i thought things were clear. We were dancing, and then we went to chat. I kinda let myself go a little--i mean, i'm single, and i thought we were all clear about what was going on. Apparently though, he actually has a crush on me. The dancing and flirting... well, i guess it kinda gave a bit of a wrong impression. We ended up kissing. He was being all cute--hugged me to keep me warm, and held my hand and stuff. I told him nothing could come of this before we started. He said he disagreed, but that i was entitled to my opinion. That i shouldn't worry--i had made things clear, and i wasn't leading him on or whatever. He's a pretty good kisser... and i guess it was nice to have someone, even if just for a bit. He was sweet.

Anyway, so far nothing serious. I'm supposed to go to the pool in a bit. EM said he'd try to come. There are two cute boys who i met last week at the pool who play frisbee... maybe they'll be there too. On that note--this is all for now :)

Back to the Single Life

We broke up last week... after a couple weeks of anxiousness and trying to figure out what i wanted, it just wasn't working. I think he would've broken things off too if not for the fact that he was the one to break it off last time, and then asked to try again.

It's sad and lonely a bit. But i do feel some kind of relief. It really is over this time. I mean, we haven't spoken at all since that saturday night when we said good-bye. i guess in a way it's good. This time it's easier to digest. and although it's still hard, i'm not heartbroken. Just disillusioned. i mean, how am i supposed to find someone that i really want to be with? And how do i figure out a way to make it work? I don't even know if i believe that it really can work in the long run. And at least in the meantime, i don't know if i have the emotional energy that i would need to be in a relationship.

So, should i just fall back to the non-serious thing? is it worth it just for the physical attention and boost of feeling attractive? will i still get that feeling of closeness from it? or will it just end up feeling empty and disappointing?

Family Traditions

Spent the evening of independence day at his house in TA.

It was kinda cute actually. His two siblings both brought their significant others... I was actually at this family bonfire/bbq event last independence day, exactly a year ago. At the time, his sister's boyfriend also came, and I was the new girlfriend. This time round, i was the one who's already been around a while, and the new boyfriend and girlfriend of the siblings were the "new" ones.

He also came to the S & Y tofu extravaganza with me this afternoon. This year was his second time. It's sort of the family tradition-- we go every year.

So, things are settling in a bit. I just sometimes wonder whether i want this to get serious now. I mean, I enjoy spending time with him. Really. It's just--the last few months have kind of got me thinking about whether I even want something serious right now. And then I start thinking--what's the point? I seem to be able to do the not serious thing for a little while, but I don't think i can do it with him... there's too much history, too much that has gone down between us.

Anyway, just my thoughts. I have to get going. School bright and early tomorrow morning.

Another chance?

It was his birthday yesterday. ES.

I sent him a message happy birthday. We ended up meeting last night.
He wants to be with me.
So do I give this another chance?
He has alot of issues... he has a certain immaturity...
But I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all week. Fantasizing that maybe this would happen. And now that it's happening, I don't know what to do with myself.

Anyway, double exam on tuesday, so I have to go study. We'll see what happens.
I just hope i don't get steam-rollered again.

Taking a look at the past...

I'm lonely. There, I said it.

For no apparent reason (besides his birthday coming up), I've been thinking alot about ES. I can't help myself. My friend is getting married tomorrow evening. Which reminds me that ES took me to his friend's wedding. That was back when we were a perfect cute young couple... It was nice that he wanted me there with him. I was rather touched actually. All this stuff that's happened since really pales in comparison to what we had together. It's quite remarkable really.

I wish he would get this "bachelor" thing out of his system already and come to his senses that it was something really special that doesn't happen just any day. The whole "bachelor" mentality doesn't even suit him--it's not like him to go hooking up with random people. He's going to have to work real hard if he wants to go through that phase. It'll probably take him a while. And I just don't know how long I can wait for that phase to work itself out...

But, God, do I ever miss him!

Hila Gaon

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