News

I've been with this guy BA for over 4 months. after 2 months things were great. Amazing even. I like his family, get along with his friends... And his parents' house is really nice. But things have been up and down since then. I honestly don't know what to do with him. And this unsure-ness has been going on for a couple of months already.

See, there are 3 issues, probably somehow connected to each other. The first is a really big issue--דת. He isn't at all, and it's beginning to drive me crazy. The whole milk and meat/kosher thing, the shabbat thing, you name it. It's just really hard for me to imagine a real future with the guy--how could we live together, let alone raise kids and everything. And if there's no future-- do I want to continue a relationship like that? What's the point?
Then there's sex. He's got potential. He's caring and affectionate. I am definitely physically attracted to him--he's got a great build, and amazing skin :) And he's huge! There's just something that's not working. I don't cumm. My orgasms when I'm on my own have also been not as good as usual. I have a feeling that it could be related to taking the pill. But the orgasms do exist. And I've been able to orgasm during sex with ES since starting the pill, during our round three... So why? Why is it not working?
It might have something to do with the third issue. And that is, that for some reason, he makes me feel not totally comfortable. I know, bad sign--right? it's not that I'm uncomfortable when he's around... Just not TOTALLY comfortable. And perhaps that's why I can't cumm.

Anyway, that's the scoop. I'm gonna try to update more frequently. No promises tho...
חג שמח!

End of an Era...

Eden and I ended up giving things a third try. Despite the second crashing and burning rather fast. Things were good for a bit. We both tried. He's really sweet. And he did all the right things. It's really nice to have someone who's there for you, who cares about you. Someone to do things with, to spend time with.
And the sex was great!
Unfortunately, what we had that first time just isn't there anymore. I couldn't let myself fall in love with him again. Perhaps at some level , it's partly because I got really hurt that first time. But I've also been through a lot since then. I found that he's really focused on keeping his past, and where he came from, a really big part of his life. And I'm more looking to discover the future. He wants to make sure he knows what "educated people" are "supposed to know"-- the classic canon of literature, history, art, music, etc. His world is very closed, focused on trying to protect itself. And I don't feel it would necessarily be good for me to try to open it up for him. It's just too much. I want someone who will open up the world for me as much as I do for him. When it came down to it-- I couldn't imagine being with him in the long run. It made me anxious and uneasy just thinking about it.

So, despite the fact that I honestly think he's a great guy and we have a great time together, I'm attracted to him, and he's amazingly supportive and caring, I couldn't see a point in dragging things out anymore. זה פשוט לא זה. So I ended it-- just last night. It was really hard to see him walk away and know that he wasn't ever coming back. We finally broke up what looks like for good. I mean, 3 strikes and you're out, right? But I think it was for the best.

Another Blast from the Past

Just after my birthday i met up with ES. I know, I know, bad idea. We had another one of those reconsidering situations. He slept over one night. it was nice, but made me feel uncomfortable. Some physical things happened, he still remembers exactly what i like... but there was no sex. And we also didn't kiss on the lips. It was kind of weird. A mixture of pleasurable and sad at the same time. The reconsiderations were unclear as usual--it seemed he was making an offer to get back together, but when it came down to it, nothing's changed, the same issues still exist, and he can't actually commit. The whole things was a pleasant wash of nostalgia, but it's not realistic to hold onto it.

Meanwhile, things with GL are a bit complicated. I really like the guy. Alot. I just don't know if would want something more serious with him. I know he says he doesn't want a real relationship with me. So unless I for sure do, it's not worth bringing it up. We have a great time together. The physical stuff is weird. It's not regular enough for it to get really good, but it's fun and comfortable. And I just can't decide whether I want something more serious right now.

Not So Good at Waiting

Since EM was taking too long, and i couldn't really figure out if there was something, I decided to ask him myself. It was a very casual wanna-meet-for-coffee-sometime kind of thing. He wrote back that he was interested, but that it's a really busy time for him right now, and so he doesn't think it's a good idea. And that he doesn't want to hurt me...

Blah blah blah.

What is with these guys? Since when are people so busy that they can't spare an hour to have coffee? Weirdos.

Then there's AT. He convinced me to come over last night. We watched this documentary that was on TV about the BRCA gene and breast cancer. Yes, I know--we're such dorks. It was actually interesting. And then we talked for a bit. He wanted to photograph me. Which makes me really uncomfortable and nervous. But he's pretty good. It's still intimidating, but the photos actually came out kinda nice. And the whole thing was sort of cute.

I ended up staying over. No sex though. I have my rule of sleeping with the guy before I, you know, sleep with him...

He's really sweet and comfortable to be with. It's rather flattering. He has good hands too--just the right kind of touch, in all the right places. It's hard to turn down, I just don't see how anything can come of it. And I don't want to take advantage--he's a good guy. So I don't really know what I'm going to do about this whole situation. I don't really want to get into another not-serious kind of arrangement... I'll have to think about it.

The studying isn't learning itself, so I better get to work.

Boy Troubles

Well, not really trouble. It's just confusing sometimes, to figure out what's really going on.

It's exam time... i'm officially done 4 of the 6 weeks. July 6 is D-Day. Cross your fingers for me, cuz i'm gonna need it.

The thing with GL started up again, though less frequently than it was in round one. also, IB came over one evening to hang out and we ended up watching a movie. Then he slept over. There was quite a lot of sexual tension going on there. Nothing really happened. Until the morning, when we kissed. But really, it was nothing. He called me last night to see if i wanted to come over to watch a movie... but i didn't really feel like spending my friday night watching a movie. I had dinner with some friends, and it was fun to hang out after. and i didn't want to risk sleeping over at IB's place... one undefined arrangement with GL is really enough for me.

I jokingly asked AB if he wanted to be my date to the party for faculty day. i mean, i wasn't joking... i thought it would be fun. i just didn't mean it as a real date. Nor did i mean that i was interested in dating him. But apparently he is interested in dating me... I told him i had just broken up with ES, and that i wasn't looking for a relationship right now. He said he'd wait. That he actually wasn't coming back to B7 till august--and would i be emotionally available then. He then proceeded to get a little annoyed with me when i danced for one song with AT, like this weird jealous-y thing... not a huge turn-on. But whatever. We also ran into him a week later at student day, and he was all sweet and gave me a big hug. He's a really nice guy. And it's kinda cute having someone trying to "court" me. That doesn't really happen to me very often. But he's really not my type...

Last week there was student day. There's this guy, EM, who's been kind of flirty with me. I knew he was going to be there. He was acting a little weird and awkward that night though. So i didn't push anything. i did think something might happen though. So when it appeared that nothing was, i was a little disappointed... Then AT sent me a message asking if i was still there, and whether i wanted to hang out. I figured why not. He's kinda fun. We've been friendly for a little while now. He's really young. nearly 4 years younger than me... i thought i had made it kinda clear that there was nothing romantic going on. and he agreed, cuz of the age difference and all. So i thought things were clear. We were dancing, and then we went to chat. I kinda let myself go a little--i mean, i'm single, and i thought we were all clear about what was going on. Apparently though, he actually has a crush on me. The dancing and flirting... well, i guess it kinda gave a bit of a wrong impression. We ended up kissing. He was being all cute--hugged me to keep me warm, and held my hand and stuff. I told him nothing could come of this before we started. He said he disagreed, but that i was entitled to my opinion. That i shouldn't worry--i had made things clear, and i wasn't leading him on or whatever. He's a pretty good kisser... and i guess it was nice to have someone, even if just for a bit. He was sweet.

Anyway, so far nothing serious. I'm supposed to go to the pool in a bit. EM said he'd try to come. There are two cute boys who i met last week at the pool who play frisbee... maybe they'll be there too. On that note--this is all for now :)

Back to the Single Life

We broke up last week... after a couple weeks of anxiousness and trying to figure out what i wanted, it just wasn't working. I think he would've broken things off too if not for the fact that he was the one to break it off last time, and then asked to try again.

It's sad and lonely a bit. But i do feel some kind of relief. It really is over this time. I mean, we haven't spoken at all since that saturday night when we said good-bye. i guess in a way it's good. This time it's easier to digest. and although it's still hard, i'm not heartbroken. Just disillusioned. i mean, how am i supposed to find someone that i really want to be with? And how do i figure out a way to make it work? I don't even know if i believe that it really can work in the long run. And at least in the meantime, i don't know if i have the emotional energy that i would need to be in a relationship.

So, should i just fall back to the non-serious thing? is it worth it just for the physical attention and boost of feeling attractive? will i still get that feeling of closeness from it? or will it just end up feeling empty and disappointing?

Family Traditions

Spent the evening of independence day at his house in TA.

It was kinda cute actually. His two siblings both brought their significant others... I was actually at this family bonfire/bbq event last independence day, exactly a year ago. At the time, his sister's boyfriend also came, and I was the new girlfriend. This time round, i was the one who's already been around a while, and the new boyfriend and girlfriend of the siblings were the "new" ones.

He also came to the S & Y tofu extravaganza with me this afternoon. This year was his second time. It's sort of the family tradition-- we go every year.

So, things are settling in a bit. I just sometimes wonder whether i want this to get serious now. I mean, I enjoy spending time with him. Really. It's just--the last few months have kind of got me thinking about whether I even want something serious right now. And then I start thinking--what's the point? I seem to be able to do the not serious thing for a little while, but I don't think i can do it with him... there's too much history, too much that has gone down between us.

Anyway, just my thoughts. I have to get going. School bright and early tomorrow morning.