Trying it again

With BA.
Probably saw that coming, right?
I dunno what to tell you. Except that my heart jumped when i saw him, and we hugged and kissed for a very long time, and it just feels good...
So I'm giving it a try.
Not so sure what's going to happen when/if I go to NYC, or when time for my clerkship comes round. But currently the idea is to take things a week at a time. We'll see how that goes.
For now I better get ready for bed.
לילה טוב!!

Hila Gaon dresses

Cute, no? :)
Hila Gaon, an Israeli designer...

Countdown

One year of pre-clinical medical courses- CHECK
One year of study by systems- CHECK
One year of basic clinical rotations- CHECK
One month Pediatrics Sub-I- CHECK
Two months of electives in Jerusalem
One month of elective in NYC
IHM Clerkship
4 two-week selectives

Not that much more to go, huh?
CRAZY!!

BA

הבוקר הוא הקפיץ אותי לבית חולים אחרי עוד לילה נפלא שישנתי אצלו
התנשקנו במכונית לפני שיצאתי––אין לי מילים
כשאני איתו, אני שמחה. זה עושה לי טוב.

‫חוץ מבשיחות שאנחנו ישירות מדברים על העניין הזה של הדת‬––אז אני מתוסכלת לגמרי‬

‫ניסיתי אתמול לנסות להסביר לו משהו שכנראה היה לי פחות ברור לפני כן
הקטע הזה של המסורת מאוד חשוב לי‬
אבל תכלס, אני לא 'דתיה מאמינה' או מה שלא תרצי לקרוא לזה‬

‫בגלל זה אני מסתבכת‬

העניין הוא שאני לא עושה דברים מתוך אמונה
אני רוצה לעשות אותם כי אני מרגישה חלק ממסורת שהיא עתיקה וחשובה והרבה יותר גדולה מהחיים האישיים שלי‬

‫ולכן אני לא מוכנה לוותר על זה
זה קצת משנה את הדרך ההסתכלות שלי
אבל לא את התוצאה הסופית––שאני רוצה לשמור שבת וכו

הוא כל הזמן אומר שבגלל שהוא לא מאמין, אז זה מגוכך לו לעשות את כל הדברים האלה‬

אז ניסיתי להסביר שבשבילי זה לא עושה את זה פחות חשוב רק בגלל שזה לא בא מתוך אמונה
שזה עדיין משהו שאפשר (ולדעתי חשוב) להתחבר אליו‬
אז הוא אמר שכן, אולי אפשר, אבל שזה עושה את זה הרבה יותר קשה להתחבר לזה‬

‫ניסיתי להגיד שכן, ברור שזה קשה, שזה חלק מהסיבה שכל כך קשה לי‬

‫בקטע של–– אף אחד לא הבטיח שיהיה קל‬

‫אבל פשוט הרגשתי שאני לא מצליחה להעביר את מה שרציתי להגיד בצורה שהוא יבין‬

זה כמו להסביר איך נראה צבע אדום לעיוור

אולי אין לו את הרקע שצריך בשביל להבין
וזה נורא מתסכל אותי

:(

What a terrible day!
First I had a bad day at work/school. The ward is hugely understaffed. Rounds took about 4 hours, which is about 3 hours too long. I didn't eat properly, so I ended up going to the hospital cafeteria, which is pretty terrible in and of itself.
Then I came home to discover that sometime between last night after paying for my bus ticket getting on the bus, and the afternoon today, I lost my wallet. So of course I got super stressed. There was even a god amount of money in there, so it's a real bummer.
Then I had to ditch SE who was having a crisis about the breakup with my borhter, and I felt really bad. I had to run off to meet my brother to drive to the טקס. But then my brother got held up... with SE, and I ended up sitting around freaking out about my wallet but not being able to go look for it cuz I was supposed to meet him, for about 45 min.
In the end I had to cancel the creditcards and everything... it's a real disaster, cuz it's really the last thing I need to be dealing with right now.

Aside from that, I'm just so lonely. I sit around not doing anything... With everything seeming to not be going well, I just feel like crying all the time...
On the bus ride last night and tonight I kept thinking alot about BA. It's a real shame that he's so against religion. I'm sure it's also cuz I really miss having someone, and he's the most recent relationship... But I really miss him.
I don't want to do anything stupid, that I'll regret, but I really really miss him :(

K, I better to shower and get to bed.
Early day tomorrow...

Jcrew

I know it's expensive, but the fabric is stunning. Seriously. Italian silk jacquard...
The dress is so simple. But it's incredible!
If I could get away with wearing a strapless dress, this one would definitely be near the top of my list!

My dream dress

I know I've posted this before... but I can't resist.
Imagine the top of this dress, with the waist-detail-and-down of the dress in the previous post--in ivory coloured silk jacquard, or taffeta. Would be amazing, no?

Dress details

Besides the fact that the model here is gorgeous... and the colour of the fabric is amazing...
I love the waist detail on this dress. Would be great for a wedding dress, in ivory. Or for any occasion for that matter.
It's from Jcrew, Fall 2010 collection.

My new ring

Not the best photo-- but you can get the idea.
It's from the same jewelry store as all the jewelry I own-- Turquiz, in Jerusalem.
It has a citrine stone in the center, with two tiny diamonds on the sides. 14K gold.

A little bit about Citrine

Citrine is known as the "success stone" because it promotes success, prosperity, and abundance. It particularly promotes success in business, earning it another nickname, "merchant's stone", and is said to bring business. Citrine is a stone of good fortune, although it brings good fortune in sometimes unexpected ways. Along with prosperity and good fortune, citrine imparts generosity, to share the wealth, so to speak.

Citrine dissipates negative energies of all kinds. It also does not absorb any negative energies from its surroundings, and thus never needs energetic clearing. Citrine can be used to clear unwanted energies from the environment. Family issues caused by negative energies can also be resolved and cleared with citrine. Since citrine eliminates negative energies, it helps generate stability in all areas, and is good for general protection.

In the mental area, citrine enhances mental clarity, confidence, and will power. It also increases creativity and promotes honesty.

Emotionally, citrine relieves depression, self-doubt, anger, and irrational mood swings. Citrine is a stone that brings happiness and cheer to one who carries or wears it. Citrine also reduces self-destructive tendencies. Citrine helps eliminate fears caused by others' ideas and suggestions. It can help one overcome emotional traumas and grief. Sensuality and sexuality can also be heightened by citrine.

In the psychic and spiritual realms, citrine is good for general psychic awareness and spiritual development. Citrine clears the aura of negative energies and influences. It is also very useful for meditation. Citrine is a stone of protection, removing or deflecting negative energies of all kinds. It is also excellent for dream recall and dream work.

Physically, in crystal healing and folklore, citrine is said to be beneficial for the digestion, stomach, eliminating nightmares and other sleep disturbances, thyroid, general health, heart, kidney, liver, muscles, strength, endocrine system, circulatory system, tissue regeneration, urinary system, immune system, diabetes, fibromyalgia. Citrine is also reputed to be good for removing toxins, and overcoming addictions.

Loneliness

Well, the other thing that happened that a left out in the last post, was that it was the day before my neuro exam, and BA decided to call to check in and say hello and good luck.

It got me totally confuddled and distracted. I couldn't concentrate on anything, and it was only the afternoon. I still had a good amount of studying left to do. So after trying to focus on getting stuff done, I called him up and asked him to come over to study. I knew that if he was right there in the room, it wouldn't distract me enough. I wouldn't have to think about him and all the what if-s, cuz he'd be right there. And it actually worked. I got several more good hours of studying in that evening. He was actually really sweet and secretly ordered take out sushi so we wouldn't have to stop studying to make anything to eat for dinner. Around 11pm I stopped studying for the night. We chatted for a little bit. And then I asked him to stay over the night so I wouldn't have a traumatic night of tossing and turning trying not to think about him the entire night when I really needed a good rest before the exam. So he slept over. We didn't have sex or anything. But we spooned, and it felt safe and comfortable.

The next morning I went to my exam, and then that evening we had a talk. He really stood his ground that we weren't going to get back together. He's probably right. But I was still a tiny bit hurt. And then he left, and I got to see him walk away again, knowing he wasn't coming back. I sent him an email that night to please not contact me in the near-ish future 'cuz I can't handle it right now. It makes me think about things working out. And that's not a healthy way to try to move on. He emailed back that it'll be hard for him, but that he understands. Haven't heard anything from him since.

I'm so lonely. No one to come home to, to look forward to seeing after school. It's hard. But I guess I have to get used to it...

To help myself deal, I buy expensive jewelry. It's my newly acquired coping mechanism.
It's a gorgeous ring. Maybe I'll put up a photo at some point :)