Well, that was short lived. i took myself off jdate. It just seems ridiculous. I can't bring myself to do it.
How can you know anything about someone through some stupid online profile??
Wish me luck on my exam tomorrow...
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Era of the Internet
In the spirit of starting fresh...
I joined jdate. I know, weird. But what do I have to lose, right?
I guess that show of the sexologist made some impression on me--that you have to work to meet new people. I just feel like those internet profiles don't really do anyone justice. And that the people I'm looking for won't be on there. There's still that stigma in my head that only losers who can't get a date in real life end up on dating sites. But who knows? Maybe they aren't just weirdos. I mean, everyone uses the internet. This is just another use...
Anyway, I need to focus on studying for this exam on thursday.
Wish me luck
I joined jdate. I know, weird. But what do I have to lose, right?
I guess that show of the sexologist made some impression on me--that you have to work to meet new people. I just feel like those internet profiles don't really do anyone justice. And that the people I'm looking for won't be on there. There's still that stigma in my head that only losers who can't get a date in real life end up on dating sites. But who knows? Maybe they aren't just weirdos. I mean, everyone uses the internet. This is just another use...
Anyway, I need to focus on studying for this exam on thursday.
Wish me luck
Friday, June 18, 2010
Future?
ES slept over last night.
I was stressed out. And lonely. I dunno how I let it happen.
One good thing that did come of it though, is that the little twinkle of hope that things will work out between us is just about out.
He has a lot of issues. And I don't honestly think I could have a life with him. Our outlook is just so different. And anyway, he's too confused to even know whether he wants to be in a relationship. He has so many layers of defense to guard himself, I don't even know what's real. And there's only so much of that I can handle. At least in the relationship with BA it was real.
And although the sex is great--perfect angle and everything, it doesn't leave room for me. It's like it's complete all just from him. With BA, he kept wanting me to initiate more. And sometimes that was a little frusterating. But it left alot of room for me. Here, I feel weird doing anything but sitting back and enjoying. Which can be nice. But it's not fair. And kissing him--it just doesn't work. If I could only find a combo for sex of something between ES and BA-- WOW, it would be perfect sex.
So, despite the loneliness, I guess it's time to put all the past behind, and start the search for something new...
I hope it works out somehow...
I was stressed out. And lonely. I dunno how I let it happen.
One good thing that did come of it though, is that the little twinkle of hope that things will work out between us is just about out.
He has a lot of issues. And I don't honestly think I could have a life with him. Our outlook is just so different. And anyway, he's too confused to even know whether he wants to be in a relationship. He has so many layers of defense to guard himself, I don't even know what's real. And there's only so much of that I can handle. At least in the relationship with BA it was real.
And although the sex is great--perfect angle and everything, it doesn't leave room for me. It's like it's complete all just from him. With BA, he kept wanting me to initiate more. And sometimes that was a little frusterating. But it left alot of room for me. Here, I feel weird doing anything but sitting back and enjoying. Which can be nice. But it's not fair. And kissing him--it just doesn't work. If I could only find a combo for sex of something between ES and BA-- WOW, it would be perfect sex.
So, despite the loneliness, I guess it's time to put all the past behind, and start the search for something new...
I hope it works out somehow...
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
One week later
Secret rendez-vous with BA.
I saw him at the show last night. Emailed him to say I got him 2 tickets. So he came with his brother. I saw his before to give him the tickets. It was a little weird. And then when we got out afterwards, we ended up talking. We just stood outside for a little while, and then he was hungry and cold and I hadn't eaten dinner, so we went for sushi. After sushi he drove me home, and we kept chatting in the car. Eventually we we tired, and we were sort of reminiscing and curling up in the car together. And eventually I invited him in to sleep over. We didn't have sex. But we were physical. It was kinda nice. And then he left the next morning.
He called later to say that he had no regrets about that night, and that he thinks it was good. He hopes I'm ok with it... I think I am. I mean, I don't really regret it. It's just a little confusing. I don't know how I feel. I mean, I've been spending time with ES. And after that visit to his shrink, I'm sort of wondering and hoping that maybe things will work out. And I know it doesn't make sense to stay/get back together with BA. Totally different life plans. There just isn't enough overlap. But he's really comfortable. Soft, gentle, caring. And I still have some kind of feelings for him. It's not the giddyness and butterflies-in-my-tummy feeling. But kissing him is great. And feeling him is amazing. But there's the problem with sex. That I can't orgasm with him. And besides that, I just can't see a future.
Why does everything have to be so complicated?
And then there's these hopes about what will be with ES. And I can't have both.
Make any sense?
I saw him at the show last night. Emailed him to say I got him 2 tickets. So he came with his brother. I saw his before to give him the tickets. It was a little weird. And then when we got out afterwards, we ended up talking. We just stood outside for a little while, and then he was hungry and cold and I hadn't eaten dinner, so we went for sushi. After sushi he drove me home, and we kept chatting in the car. Eventually we we tired, and we were sort of reminiscing and curling up in the car together. And eventually I invited him in to sleep over. We didn't have sex. But we were physical. It was kinda nice. And then he left the next morning.
He called later to say that he had no regrets about that night, and that he thinks it was good. He hopes I'm ok with it... I think I am. I mean, I don't really regret it. It's just a little confusing. I don't know how I feel. I mean, I've been spending time with ES. And after that visit to his shrink, I'm sort of wondering and hoping that maybe things will work out. And I know it doesn't make sense to stay/get back together with BA. Totally different life plans. There just isn't enough overlap. But he's really comfortable. Soft, gentle, caring. And I still have some kind of feelings for him. It's not the giddyness and butterflies-in-my-tummy feeling. But kissing him is great. And feeling him is amazing. But there's the problem with sex. That I can't orgasm with him. And besides that, I just can't see a future.
Why does everything have to be so complicated?
And then there's these hopes about what will be with ES. And I can't have both.
Make any sense?
Monday, June 14, 2010
Weight
If I want to just maintain my current body weight, with a lightly active lifestyle (exercise 1-3 times/week), I need to have a caloric intake of approximately 1700 calories/day.
Wow. Serious obsession with weight, huh? I know. I need to work on it. I already hide it from everyone else. At least I can try to be honest here. It's a step in the right direction...
Wow. Serious obsession with weight, huh? I know. I need to work on it. I already hide it from everyone else. At least I can try to be honest here. It's a step in the right direction...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Health
So I find myself going through some sort of transition period. And when that happens, I often have a few new resolutions. Here they are:
I started taking omega 3 supplement in flax seed oil capsules. There are theories that it can help both with concentrations issues and with migraines, both of which I've unfortunately developed this year. So I'm hoping it's going to help. I've only been taking it for a week. Keep you posted.
I'm also trying to start an exercise routine. I went for a power walk this evening. Going to try to do it at least 4 times a week. And maybe try to add in some pilates and weights exercises as well. Wish me luck. Hope I can stay on the wagon.
I need to start eating better. I have a borderline eating disorder. I use food as a source of control in my life, and it's not healthy. I've lost about 3 more kilos, semi un-intentionally, but not totally. My clothes aren't even fitting well anymore. I have I think an all time low weight, with BMI 16. Definitely below a healthy weight.
And lastly for now--I need to work on my confidence. Seriously. Haven't yet figured out how I'm planning to do that. But I'm working on it.
That pretty much covers it. At least for now.
I started taking omega 3 supplement in flax seed oil capsules. There are theories that it can help both with concentrations issues and with migraines, both of which I've unfortunately developed this year. So I'm hoping it's going to help. I've only been taking it for a week. Keep you posted.
I'm also trying to start an exercise routine. I went for a power walk this evening. Going to try to do it at least 4 times a week. And maybe try to add in some pilates and weights exercises as well. Wish me luck. Hope I can stay on the wagon.
I need to start eating better. I have a borderline eating disorder. I use food as a source of control in my life, and it's not healthy. I've lost about 3 more kilos, semi un-intentionally, but not totally. My clothes aren't even fitting well anymore. I have I think an all time low weight, with BMI 16. Definitely below a healthy weight.
And lastly for now--I need to work on my confidence. Seriously. Haven't yet figured out how I'm planning to do that. But I'm working on it.
That pretty much covers it. At least for now.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Confused...
It's really impressive how so many things can change, and so many thoughts and considerations can run through your head in such a short time.
I broke up with BA on sunday a week ago. It was a bit hard. He was really nice about everything. I cried alot that night. Took the next day off cuz I just couldn't handle things. And then somewhat managed to pull myself together. I mean, I still think about him. And if I need to retell the story, I get tear-ey, might even break down in tears, depending on the situation. It's always hard to see the person walk away and know that they aren't coming back. I really did love him. Perhaps not as much as I've loved anyone in my life. But it was a serious relationship. And I grew pretty attached to him. He's a great guy. There just isn't any future for us as a couple. Once I decide that, there isn't much point continuing the relationship. But that doesn't mean it's so easy to give it up. I'm so lonely. I so wish I had someone in my life. Someone special who I love, and want to spend the rest of my life with. Sounds cheesy, I know. But it's the truth.
I've been in slight contact with ES over the last month or so. I ran into him on campus. We've talked a bit here and there. In the last few days, I've seen him several times. We had a few long talks. It's weird seeing him again. Like old times, but not quite. I went to his shrink with him, his offer. He's still in love with me. Realizes that this is terrible timing. But the whole time that we haven't been together I've been "the center of his world" and he hasn't been able to have any substantial relationships since then.
All of this has gotten me totally confused. I don't even know how I feel anymore. I mean, I just broke up with a guy I really cared for. And I'm going to be all over all different continents in the next 9 months. Worst time to think about rekindling an old flame that flickered out 3 times in the past. It's not that I haven't thought about him during all this time that we've been broken up. I have. I sometimes even missed him, and wanted to reconsider. But doesn't it say something that we already tried 3 times and failed miserably? How come he still has such an effect on me after such a long time?
Is it totally ridiculous to still be considering that we have any future at all together?
I broke up with BA on sunday a week ago. It was a bit hard. He was really nice about everything. I cried alot that night. Took the next day off cuz I just couldn't handle things. And then somewhat managed to pull myself together. I mean, I still think about him. And if I need to retell the story, I get tear-ey, might even break down in tears, depending on the situation. It's always hard to see the person walk away and know that they aren't coming back. I really did love him. Perhaps not as much as I've loved anyone in my life. But it was a serious relationship. And I grew pretty attached to him. He's a great guy. There just isn't any future for us as a couple. Once I decide that, there isn't much point continuing the relationship. But that doesn't mean it's so easy to give it up. I'm so lonely. I so wish I had someone in my life. Someone special who I love, and want to spend the rest of my life with. Sounds cheesy, I know. But it's the truth.
I've been in slight contact with ES over the last month or so. I ran into him on campus. We've talked a bit here and there. In the last few days, I've seen him several times. We had a few long talks. It's weird seeing him again. Like old times, but not quite. I went to his shrink with him, his offer. He's still in love with me. Realizes that this is terrible timing. But the whole time that we haven't been together I've been "the center of his world" and he hasn't been able to have any substantial relationships since then.
All of this has gotten me totally confused. I don't even know how I feel anymore. I mean, I just broke up with a guy I really cared for. And I'm going to be all over all different continents in the next 9 months. Worst time to think about rekindling an old flame that flickered out 3 times in the past. It's not that I haven't thought about him during all this time that we've been broken up. I have. I sometimes even missed him, and wanted to reconsider. But doesn't it say something that we already tried 3 times and failed miserably? How come he still has such an effect on me after such a long time?
Is it totally ridiculous to still be considering that we have any future at all together?
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Financial issues
So, I have a new crisis.
Because the military/political mess that's going on right now isn't enough. And the confusion I'm having about my relationship with BA won't do either... (though I think I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it's just not going to work.) And the fact that I'm massively behind on my studying for my exam in psychiatry...
My yearly scholarship to cover my med school tuition is not going to be happening this year. Now, I know, I should just be amazingly thankful for my good luck and fortune that it has covered the past 3 years of tuition. And thank God, my family has money to help me out for this last year. I just can't help but be anxious about the whole situation. $31,500 just for tuition. That would take about 10 years to pay back on the mini salary that I'll be making, not even taking into account interest. That's IF I can even put away any money with such a small salary. Those are savings that I don't really have. And whatever I do have was going to be for a down payment for a house or something...
Anyway, that's my crisis. I suppose it would be wise to deal with the most immediate issue--my psych exam. So on that cheerful note: Good day!
Because the military/political mess that's going on right now isn't enough. And the confusion I'm having about my relationship with BA won't do either... (though I think I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it's just not going to work.) And the fact that I'm massively behind on my studying for my exam in psychiatry...
My yearly scholarship to cover my med school tuition is not going to be happening this year. Now, I know, I should just be amazingly thankful for my good luck and fortune that it has covered the past 3 years of tuition. And thank God, my family has money to help me out for this last year. I just can't help but be anxious about the whole situation. $31,500 just for tuition. That would take about 10 years to pay back on the mini salary that I'll be making, not even taking into account interest. That's IF I can even put away any money with such a small salary. Those are savings that I don't really have. And whatever I do have was going to be for a down payment for a house or something...
Anyway, that's my crisis. I suppose it would be wise to deal with the most immediate issue--my psych exam. So on that cheerful note: Good day!
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