End of an Era...

Eden and I ended up giving things a third try. Despite the second crashing and burning rather fast. Things were good for a bit. We both tried. He's really sweet. And he did all the right things. It's really nice to have someone who's there for you, who cares about you. Someone to do things with, to spend time with.
And the sex was great!
Unfortunately, what we had that first time just isn't there anymore. I couldn't let myself fall in love with him again. Perhaps at some level , it's partly because I got really hurt that first time. But I've also been through a lot since then. I found that he's really focused on keeping his past, and where he came from, a really big part of his life. And I'm more looking to discover the future. He wants to make sure he knows what "educated people" are "supposed to know"-- the classic canon of literature, history, art, music, etc. His world is very closed, focused on trying to protect itself. And I don't feel it would necessarily be good for me to try to open it up for him. It's just too much. I want someone who will open up the world for me as much as I do for him. When it came down to it-- I couldn't imagine being with him in the long run. It made me anxious and uneasy just thinking about it.

So, despite the fact that I honestly think he's a great guy and we have a great time together, I'm attracted to him, and he's amazingly supportive and caring, I couldn't see a point in dragging things out anymore. זה פשוט לא זה. So I ended it-- just last night. It was really hard to see him walk away and know that he wasn't ever coming back. We finally broke up what looks like for good. I mean, 3 strikes and you're out, right? But I think it was for the best.

Another Blast from the Past

Just after my birthday i met up with ES. I know, I know, bad idea. We had another one of those reconsidering situations. He slept over one night. it was nice, but made me feel uncomfortable. Some physical things happened, he still remembers exactly what i like... but there was no sex. And we also didn't kiss on the lips. It was kind of weird. A mixture of pleasurable and sad at the same time. The reconsiderations were unclear as usual--it seemed he was making an offer to get back together, but when it came down to it, nothing's changed, the same issues still exist, and he can't actually commit. The whole things was a pleasant wash of nostalgia, but it's not realistic to hold onto it.

Meanwhile, things with GL are a bit complicated. I really like the guy. Alot. I just don't know if would want something more serious with him. I know he says he doesn't want a real relationship with me. So unless I for sure do, it's not worth bringing it up. We have a great time together. The physical stuff is weird. It's not regular enough for it to get really good, but it's fun and comfortable. And I just can't decide whether I want something more serious right now.

Not So Good at Waiting

Since EM was taking too long, and i couldn't really figure out if there was something, I decided to ask him myself. It was a very casual wanna-meet-for-coffee-sometime kind of thing. He wrote back that he was interested, but that it's a really busy time for him right now, and so he doesn't think it's a good idea. And that he doesn't want to hurt me...

Blah blah blah.

What is with these guys? Since when are people so busy that they can't spare an hour to have coffee? Weirdos.

Then there's AT. He convinced me to come over last night. We watched this documentary that was on TV about the BRCA gene and breast cancer. Yes, I know--we're such dorks. It was actually interesting. And then we talked for a bit. He wanted to photograph me. Which makes me really uncomfortable and nervous. But he's pretty good. It's still intimidating, but the photos actually came out kinda nice. And the whole thing was sort of cute.

I ended up staying over. No sex though. I have my rule of sleeping with the guy before I, you know, sleep with him...

He's really sweet and comfortable to be with. It's rather flattering. He has good hands too--just the right kind of touch, in all the right places. It's hard to turn down, I just don't see how anything can come of it. And I don't want to take advantage--he's a good guy. So I don't really know what I'm going to do about this whole situation. I don't really want to get into another not-serious kind of arrangement... I'll have to think about it.

The studying isn't learning itself, so I better get to work.

Boy Troubles

Well, not really trouble. It's just confusing sometimes, to figure out what's really going on.

It's exam time... i'm officially done 4 of the 6 weeks. July 6 is D-Day. Cross your fingers for me, cuz i'm gonna need it.

The thing with GL started up again, though less frequently than it was in round one. also, IB came over one evening to hang out and we ended up watching a movie. Then he slept over. There was quite a lot of sexual tension going on there. Nothing really happened. Until the morning, when we kissed. But really, it was nothing. He called me last night to see if i wanted to come over to watch a movie... but i didn't really feel like spending my friday night watching a movie. I had dinner with some friends, and it was fun to hang out after. and i didn't want to risk sleeping over at IB's place... one undefined arrangement with GL is really enough for me.

I jokingly asked AB if he wanted to be my date to the party for faculty day. i mean, i wasn't joking... i thought it would be fun. i just didn't mean it as a real date. Nor did i mean that i was interested in dating him. But apparently he is interested in dating me... I told him i had just broken up with ES, and that i wasn't looking for a relationship right now. He said he'd wait. That he actually wasn't coming back to B7 till august--and would i be emotionally available then. He then proceeded to get a little annoyed with me when i danced for one song with AT, like this weird jealous-y thing... not a huge turn-on. But whatever. We also ran into him a week later at student day, and he was all sweet and gave me a big hug. He's a really nice guy. And it's kinda cute having someone trying to "court" me. That doesn't really happen to me very often. But he's really not my type...

Last week there was student day. There's this guy, EM, who's been kind of flirty with me. I knew he was going to be there. He was acting a little weird and awkward that night though. So i didn't push anything. i did think something might happen though. So when it appeared that nothing was, i was a little disappointed... Then AT sent me a message asking if i was still there, and whether i wanted to hang out. I figured why not. He's kinda fun. We've been friendly for a little while now. He's really young. nearly 4 years younger than me... i thought i had made it kinda clear that there was nothing romantic going on. and he agreed, cuz of the age difference and all. So i thought things were clear. We were dancing, and then we went to chat. I kinda let myself go a little--i mean, i'm single, and i thought we were all clear about what was going on. Apparently though, he actually has a crush on me. The dancing and flirting... well, i guess it kinda gave a bit of a wrong impression. We ended up kissing. He was being all cute--hugged me to keep me warm, and held my hand and stuff. I told him nothing could come of this before we started. He said he disagreed, but that i was entitled to my opinion. That i shouldn't worry--i had made things clear, and i wasn't leading him on or whatever. He's a pretty good kisser... and i guess it was nice to have someone, even if just for a bit. He was sweet.

Anyway, so far nothing serious. I'm supposed to go to the pool in a bit. EM said he'd try to come. There are two cute boys who i met last week at the pool who play frisbee... maybe they'll be there too. On that note--this is all for now :)

Back to the Single Life

We broke up last week... after a couple weeks of anxiousness and trying to figure out what i wanted, it just wasn't working. I think he would've broken things off too if not for the fact that he was the one to break it off last time, and then asked to try again.

It's sad and lonely a bit. But i do feel some kind of relief. It really is over this time. I mean, we haven't spoken at all since that saturday night when we said good-bye. i guess in a way it's good. This time it's easier to digest. and although it's still hard, i'm not heartbroken. Just disillusioned. i mean, how am i supposed to find someone that i really want to be with? And how do i figure out a way to make it work? I don't even know if i believe that it really can work in the long run. And at least in the meantime, i don't know if i have the emotional energy that i would need to be in a relationship.

So, should i just fall back to the non-serious thing? is it worth it just for the physical attention and boost of feeling attractive? will i still get that feeling of closeness from it? or will it just end up feeling empty and disappointing?

Family Traditions

Spent the evening of independence day at his house in TA.

It was kinda cute actually. His two siblings both brought their significant others... I was actually at this family bonfire/bbq event last independence day, exactly a year ago. At the time, his sister's boyfriend also came, and I was the new girlfriend. This time round, i was the one who's already been around a while, and the new boyfriend and girlfriend of the siblings were the "new" ones.

He also came to the S & Y tofu extravaganza with me this afternoon. This year was his second time. It's sort of the family tradition-- we go every year.

So, things are settling in a bit. I just sometimes wonder whether i want this to get serious now. I mean, I enjoy spending time with him. Really. It's just--the last few months have kind of got me thinking about whether I even want something serious right now. And then I start thinking--what's the point? I seem to be able to do the not serious thing for a little while, but I don't think i can do it with him... there's too much history, too much that has gone down between us.

Anyway, just my thoughts. I have to get going. School bright and early tomorrow morning.

Another chance?

It was his birthday yesterday. ES.

I sent him a message happy birthday. We ended up meeting last night.
He wants to be with me.
So do I give this another chance?
He has alot of issues... he has a certain immaturity...
But I haven't been able to stop thinking about him all week. Fantasizing that maybe this would happen. And now that it's happening, I don't know what to do with myself.

Anyway, double exam on tuesday, so I have to go study. We'll see what happens.
I just hope i don't get steam-rollered again.

Taking a look at the past...

I'm lonely. There, I said it.

For no apparent reason (besides his birthday coming up), I've been thinking alot about ES. I can't help myself. My friend is getting married tomorrow evening. Which reminds me that ES took me to his friend's wedding. That was back when we were a perfect cute young couple... It was nice that he wanted me there with him. I was rather touched actually. All this stuff that's happened since really pales in comparison to what we had together. It's quite remarkable really.

I wish he would get this "bachelor" thing out of his system already and come to his senses that it was something really special that doesn't happen just any day. The whole "bachelor" mentality doesn't even suit him--it's not like him to go hooking up with random people. He's going to have to work real hard if he wants to go through that phase. It'll probably take him a while. And I just don't know how long I can wait for that phase to work itself out...

But, God, do I ever miss him!

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What's ideal?

So, it's not ideal. Far from it.

Always having to pretend that there's nothing going on between us... saving things till we're inside my apartment. Then there's this really intense usually 24-hour period where we spend time together, have alot of sex... it's weird. the sex is great, but i can't cum. i get SO close. and stay close for half an hour-an hour. it feels amazing. and i love feeling attractive. but it doesn't do it for me. i can't completely let myself go cuz then i risk getting attached. and... i dunno how much longer i can keep this up.

i want someone to love me, not just call me up for an intensive physical escapade about once a week. i mean, he does care--it's not just sex. we talk and spend non-sex time together too. and we cuddle. and he calls me up just to check in and say hello. but it's not the same. i want to be able to be affectionate. and not have to hide and deny anything. Most importantly, i want to be able to allow myself to fall for the guy...

I guess we'll see...

No Strings Attached...

Who knew i could handle it?
It's great though. Only problem is that it eats away whole days of my time, and leaves me pretty exhausted. So it's a good thing it's not every day.

The best part is, that i've found the perfect guy to have a non-serious thing with. It's funny, cuz in a way he's a lot like me. He seems to be a pretty serious character, but just not looking for anything serious with me. Which is basically the way i feel too. But he still really likes me. and he seems to be very attracted to me. it's fun to spend time with him, and the physical stuff, which dominates, is always a good time. it's amazing to feel that--that somebody wants you real bad. And as a bonus, he's a straight-forward and caring guy. we just decided that we don't want anything serious.

He slept over again last night. Second time. After the first 2 tries, sex is getting better. They say third time's the charm, and in this case they were kinda right. i mean, not the best orgasm ever, but it was a good start for the first time. besides, the foreplay is what it's all about :) Even when i didn't cum it was still nice. just can get a little frustrating. So, yeah, it's all good now...

Sex and the City

It's weird. I sometimes feel like i'm living it. The TV show, i mean.
My relationship life has been such a roller-coaster of recent. All the breaking up and getting back together with ES. And then that short lived stint with IB. I dunno.

I've turned guys into a game of sort. A game i'm just learning to play. but still, it can be kind of fun. My most recent is with this guy GL. i met him through salsa also. There's something about him that's very attractive to me--it's not his looks, it's something else. He's more mature and experienced. I was thinking about it--i've never dated anyone mature and experienced. I mean, GL is far from unattractive. but that's not what draws me to him. somehow i feel like he has alot to teach me in terms of experiences, sexual and otherwise. He's not looking for a serious relationship, which in a way should send off warning signals. But we have this strange connection. He does care about me. He doesn't want to do anything that will hurt me. And to be honest, i don't think I really want to get into a serious relationship with him. So it works out well.

He has a lot of confidence though. And he's very israeli, yet worldly in some way. תימני–ישראלי, yet well travelled. And i think the thing i find most attractive is the way in which he's attracted to me. Not in a serious kind of way, but still in a very caring kind of way. He really wants to treat me properly, for me to be satisfied by whatever happens between us.

I invited him over for a movie the other night. We're very straight with each other, there's no beating around the bush. We were sitting on the couch talking after the movie, and it was very clear that there was some tension going on. He said he wasn't going to make any move--if anything was going to happen, i would have to be the one to initiate it. Cuz he didn't want to do anything that i wasn't ok with. I asked him if he wanted to stay the night. I actually got my period that night, so i told him in advance that there would be no sex involved, but that i think it would still be fun. It's funny, the way we interact is not like a one-night-stand kind of situation. He's affectionate and sweet and caring. When we went to get into bed, he said he'd look away while i changed (he said it like not checking me out would take a lot of effort). i said there was no need for that, so he looked :) It felt good to see that a guy was admiring me as i took off my shirt. And getting into a not-empty bed was real nice. Nothing beyond flirtation had happened between us up till that point, so when the lights went off, and i kissed him, that was his cue. We had a pretty amazing night together. It even continued on in the morning, after we woke up. It was great to feel that someone was so incredibly attracted to me. He even said that it made him feel great to know that i was enjoying myself. To hear my breathing change, my moans... He said it was even better than cumming himself (neither of us actually climaxed that night/morning, but under different circumstances, maybe). We stayed in bed together well into the afternoon, at which point we finally dragged ourselves out of bed because he had to go study for his exam, and i had to get ready for purim :)

Which makes me wonder--why is it so important to define a relationship? What we have is the definition of undefined. And it's great. He's fun to hang out with, he calls me, the physical stuff is great, AND technically i'm still single, just not alone--what more could i ask for?

Onward

I've started and finished a very short lived relationship with IB. He was a sweet guy i met at salsa... kinda young. He's only 22.
He has a good heart, and meant well, but decided that he can't deal with sex with condoms... so he broke it off. i know it sounds REALLY immature, and totally ridiculous. apparently he broke up with his ex-girlfriend after this was a central issue of debate, and he didn't want to get into it again. so after just a week and a half, and only one time sleeping with me, he decided we would be better off not dating. His loss, but i couldn't help but feel a bit hurt.

And since then i've been on my own. Sometimes it's nice to be single, but i really would like to find a special someone.

After IB broke things off, i realized i wasn't really over the whole thing with ES. i proceeded to attempt to get him to tell me whether he still wanted to be with me. He was doing all these things that showed that he was still in love with me, and yet--he didn't want to get back together. i couldn't deal with the mixed messages anymore. i mean, you can't break my heart and then insist that you still love me, but that we shouldn't be together. it's hard to stay true to a break up when the person who did the breaking up doesn't actually want to break up. so i told him that i needed him to tell me that he doesn't want to be with me. and of course he was wishy-washy about it... and i ended up sleeping with him again, just for old times sake. everything feels so comfortable with him. even when we aren't together anymore. but the breaking up and getting back together thing has to end. he just doesn't have his act together. i don't know if he ever will... which is particularly hard for me to accept. but i guess it's time. i just don't want to lose faith that things can be that great with someone. it's real hard to give that up and have to start all over again.