Handmade wedding dresses

So I found someone new! Yourfairytalewedding, on Etsy.
Her work is amazing. I know some might be worried about ordering a wedding dress without trying it on, but she has great feedback and her designs are great.
I found a favourite... photography by Craig Carpenter. If you're looking for a wedding photographer in NC, you might want to take a look :)


This bride also had a great hairstyle... perhaps a bit much for some people, but definitely something i'd consider :)

Onward

I passed the theory test--not a single mistake!!

BA and I are seriously considering moving in together. I found a great apartment that we're going to see in a couple of days. Here in b7. It's got 2 full bedrooms that go out to a huge balcony. And there's a pretty big livingroom/kitchen downstairs. Even a bit of land outside to have a mini garden :) Would be nice to feel like I have a place to call home. And I think living with BA would force us to figure out alot of things that have the potential to be problematic.

Anyway, we're thinking about it. It would be a pretty huge step. New territory for me. I think that's our direction though. So it's a good thing :)

Exciting!!

Been a while...

Things with BA are going really well.
You could pretty much say I'm over the moon about him. Even told him I loved him. Which is a first :)
I feel so much more comfortable with him, it's unbelievable. We've been spending alot of time together recently. He's been gone 2 and a half day and I already really miss him.
Also שבתות we spent together for a bit, 'cuz we were doing the slightly-long-distance thing. We only got to meet up on the weekend. But now I'm back in b7 doing volunteering and learning to drive.
Sex has improved dramatically. Maybe it's that I'm so much more comfortable and relaxed, maybe it's an emotional thing, or maybe something just changed. I dunno. But it's definitely better. And it really does have an impact on the relationship overall.

On friday night I had a talk with my parents. It was pretty intense. Much crying in serious headache during and after. Basically it was about our relationship. We also talked about how situations with significant others should be handled, and how while their approval is really important to me, it's ultimately my decision who I want to be with.
Overall, it was hard, but I think I'm glad we had the talk.

Anyway, off to study for the theory test... wish me luck!

Birthday!

He took me to Rhodes!!
The whole going up north was just a cover for the surprise trip. I only found out when we got to the airport :)
It was AMAZING! We had a great time. Lots of photos to prove it :) We rented a scooter and drove around the island. Lazed around on the beach. Explored the old city. It was a blast.

Update

So round two is going well.
He's great. The somewhat long distance thing is a bit of a bummer. But we manage to see each other a good amount. My elective here is pretty laid back-- I finish at a reasonable hour. And his schedule for the summer is pretty flexible. We spend most weekends together.
The sex has hugely improved. This weekend was a bit of a down, but I've managed to get to orgasm both during sex and separately. Still needs quite a bit of work, but I feel more comfortable with him than I ever have. And that seems to have improved things.
On wednesday he invited me to come with him to his friend's wedding. Next weekend, starting after to wedding, we're going up north together for a weekend, just the two of us. For my birthday. Can you believe I'm turning 26??

My ophthalmology elective is cool. I think I might want to be an ophthalmologist when I grow up :) It's really hard to get a residency spot... We just our Dean's letter sent out to proofread, and I must say--mine sounds damn impressive. They do a good job making us look good! So maybe there's a chance :) First I have to graduate and then do סטאז', so there's still time. We'll have to wait and see.

Trying it again

With BA.
Probably saw that coming, right?
I dunno what to tell you. Except that my heart jumped when i saw him, and we hugged and kissed for a very long time, and it just feels good...
So I'm giving it a try.
Not so sure what's going to happen when/if I go to NYC, or when time for my clerkship comes round. But currently the idea is to take things a week at a time. We'll see how that goes.
For now I better get ready for bed.
לילה טוב!!

Hila Gaon dresses

Cute, no? :)
Hila Gaon, an Israeli designer...

Countdown

One year of pre-clinical medical courses- CHECK
One year of study by systems- CHECK
One year of basic clinical rotations- CHECK
One month Pediatrics Sub-I- CHECK
Two months of electives in Jerusalem
One month of elective in NYC
IHM Clerkship
4 two-week selectives

Not that much more to go, huh?
CRAZY!!

BA

הבוקר הוא הקפיץ אותי לבית חולים אחרי עוד לילה נפלא שישנתי אצלו
התנשקנו במכונית לפני שיצאתי––אין לי מילים
כשאני איתו, אני שמחה. זה עושה לי טוב.

‫חוץ מבשיחות שאנחנו ישירות מדברים על העניין הזה של הדת‬––אז אני מתוסכלת לגמרי‬

‫ניסיתי אתמול לנסות להסביר לו משהו שכנראה היה לי פחות ברור לפני כן
הקטע הזה של המסורת מאוד חשוב לי‬
אבל תכלס, אני לא 'דתיה מאמינה' או מה שלא תרצי לקרוא לזה‬

‫בגלל זה אני מסתבכת‬

העניין הוא שאני לא עושה דברים מתוך אמונה
אני רוצה לעשות אותם כי אני מרגישה חלק ממסורת שהיא עתיקה וחשובה והרבה יותר גדולה מהחיים האישיים שלי‬

‫ולכן אני לא מוכנה לוותר על זה
זה קצת משנה את הדרך ההסתכלות שלי
אבל לא את התוצאה הסופית––שאני רוצה לשמור שבת וכו

הוא כל הזמן אומר שבגלל שהוא לא מאמין, אז זה מגוכך לו לעשות את כל הדברים האלה‬

אז ניסיתי להסביר שבשבילי זה לא עושה את זה פחות חשוב רק בגלל שזה לא בא מתוך אמונה
שזה עדיין משהו שאפשר (ולדעתי חשוב) להתחבר אליו‬
אז הוא אמר שכן, אולי אפשר, אבל שזה עושה את זה הרבה יותר קשה להתחבר לזה‬

‫ניסיתי להגיד שכן, ברור שזה קשה, שזה חלק מהסיבה שכל כך קשה לי‬

‫בקטע של–– אף אחד לא הבטיח שיהיה קל‬

‫אבל פשוט הרגשתי שאני לא מצליחה להעביר את מה שרציתי להגיד בצורה שהוא יבין‬

זה כמו להסביר איך נראה צבע אדום לעיוור

אולי אין לו את הרקע שצריך בשביל להבין
וזה נורא מתסכל אותי

:(

What a terrible day!
First I had a bad day at work/school. The ward is hugely understaffed. Rounds took about 4 hours, which is about 3 hours too long. I didn't eat properly, so I ended up going to the hospital cafeteria, which is pretty terrible in and of itself.
Then I came home to discover that sometime between last night after paying for my bus ticket getting on the bus, and the afternoon today, I lost my wallet. So of course I got super stressed. There was even a god amount of money in there, so it's a real bummer.
Then I had to ditch SE who was having a crisis about the breakup with my borhter, and I felt really bad. I had to run off to meet my brother to drive to the טקס. But then my brother got held up... with SE, and I ended up sitting around freaking out about my wallet but not being able to go look for it cuz I was supposed to meet him, for about 45 min.
In the end I had to cancel the creditcards and everything... it's a real disaster, cuz it's really the last thing I need to be dealing with right now.

Aside from that, I'm just so lonely. I sit around not doing anything... With everything seeming to not be going well, I just feel like crying all the time...
On the bus ride last night and tonight I kept thinking alot about BA. It's a real shame that he's so against religion. I'm sure it's also cuz I really miss having someone, and he's the most recent relationship... But I really miss him.
I don't want to do anything stupid, that I'll regret, but I really really miss him :(

K, I better to shower and get to bed.
Early day tomorrow...

Jcrew

I know it's expensive, but the fabric is stunning. Seriously. Italian silk jacquard...
The dress is so simple. But it's incredible!
If I could get away with wearing a strapless dress, this one would definitely be near the top of my list!

My dream dress

I know I've posted this before... but I can't resist.
Imagine the top of this dress, with the waist-detail-and-down of the dress in the previous post--in ivory coloured silk jacquard, or taffeta. Would be amazing, no?

Dress details

Besides the fact that the model here is gorgeous... and the colour of the fabric is amazing...
I love the waist detail on this dress. Would be great for a wedding dress, in ivory. Or for any occasion for that matter.
It's from Jcrew, Fall 2010 collection.

My new ring

Not the best photo-- but you can get the idea.
It's from the same jewelry store as all the jewelry I own-- Turquiz, in Jerusalem.
It has a citrine stone in the center, with two tiny diamonds on the sides. 14K gold.

A little bit about Citrine

Citrine is known as the "success stone" because it promotes success, prosperity, and abundance. It particularly promotes success in business, earning it another nickname, "merchant's stone", and is said to bring business. Citrine is a stone of good fortune, although it brings good fortune in sometimes unexpected ways. Along with prosperity and good fortune, citrine imparts generosity, to share the wealth, so to speak.

Citrine dissipates negative energies of all kinds. It also does not absorb any negative energies from its surroundings, and thus never needs energetic clearing. Citrine can be used to clear unwanted energies from the environment. Family issues caused by negative energies can also be resolved and cleared with citrine. Since citrine eliminates negative energies, it helps generate stability in all areas, and is good for general protection.

In the mental area, citrine enhances mental clarity, confidence, and will power. It also increases creativity and promotes honesty.

Emotionally, citrine relieves depression, self-doubt, anger, and irrational mood swings. Citrine is a stone that brings happiness and cheer to one who carries or wears it. Citrine also reduces self-destructive tendencies. Citrine helps eliminate fears caused by others' ideas and suggestions. It can help one overcome emotional traumas and grief. Sensuality and sexuality can also be heightened by citrine.

In the psychic and spiritual realms, citrine is good for general psychic awareness and spiritual development. Citrine clears the aura of negative energies and influences. It is also very useful for meditation. Citrine is a stone of protection, removing or deflecting negative energies of all kinds. It is also excellent for dream recall and dream work.

Physically, in crystal healing and folklore, citrine is said to be beneficial for the digestion, stomach, eliminating nightmares and other sleep disturbances, thyroid, general health, heart, kidney, liver, muscles, strength, endocrine system, circulatory system, tissue regeneration, urinary system, immune system, diabetes, fibromyalgia. Citrine is also reputed to be good for removing toxins, and overcoming addictions.

Loneliness

Well, the other thing that happened that a left out in the last post, was that it was the day before my neuro exam, and BA decided to call to check in and say hello and good luck.

It got me totally confuddled and distracted. I couldn't concentrate on anything, and it was only the afternoon. I still had a good amount of studying left to do. So after trying to focus on getting stuff done, I called him up and asked him to come over to study. I knew that if he was right there in the room, it wouldn't distract me enough. I wouldn't have to think about him and all the what if-s, cuz he'd be right there. And it actually worked. I got several more good hours of studying in that evening. He was actually really sweet and secretly ordered take out sushi so we wouldn't have to stop studying to make anything to eat for dinner. Around 11pm I stopped studying for the night. We chatted for a little bit. And then I asked him to stay over the night so I wouldn't have a traumatic night of tossing and turning trying not to think about him the entire night when I really needed a good rest before the exam. So he slept over. We didn't have sex or anything. But we spooned, and it felt safe and comfortable.

The next morning I went to my exam, and then that evening we had a talk. He really stood his ground that we weren't going to get back together. He's probably right. But I was still a tiny bit hurt. And then he left, and I got to see him walk away again, knowing he wasn't coming back. I sent him an email that night to please not contact me in the near-ish future 'cuz I can't handle it right now. It makes me think about things working out. And that's not a healthy way to try to move on. He emailed back that it'll be hard for him, but that he understands. Haven't heard anything from him since.

I'm so lonely. No one to come home to, to look forward to seeing after school. It's hard. But I guess I have to get used to it...

To help myself deal, I buy expensive jewelry. It's my newly acquired coping mechanism.
It's a gorgeous ring. Maybe I'll put up a photo at some point :)

So much for that...

Well, that was short lived. i took myself off jdate. It just seems ridiculous. I can't bring myself to do it.
How can you know anything about someone through some stupid online profile??

Wish me luck on my exam tomorrow...

Era of the Internet

In the spirit of starting fresh...
I joined jdate. I know, weird. But what do I have to lose, right?
I guess that show of the sexologist made some impression on me--that you have to work to meet new people. I just feel like those internet profiles don't really do anyone justice. And that the people I'm looking for won't be on there. There's still that stigma in my head that only losers who can't get a date in real life end up on dating sites. But who knows? Maybe they aren't just weirdos. I mean, everyone uses the internet. This is just another use...

Anyway, I need to focus on studying for this exam on thursday.
Wish me luck

Future?

ES slept over last night.
I was stressed out. And lonely. I dunno how I let it happen.
One good thing that did come of it though, is that the little twinkle of hope that things will work out between us is just about out.

He has a lot of issues. And I don't honestly think I could have a life with him. Our outlook is just so different. And anyway, he's too confused to even know whether he wants to be in a relationship. He has so many layers of defense to guard himself, I don't even know what's real. And there's only so much of that I can handle. At least in the relationship with BA it was real.

And although the sex is great--perfect angle and everything, it doesn't leave room for me. It's like it's complete all just from him. With BA, he kept wanting me to initiate more. And sometimes that was a little frusterating. But it left alot of room for me. Here, I feel weird doing anything but sitting back and enjoying. Which can be nice. But it's not fair. And kissing him--it just doesn't work. If I could only find a combo for sex of something between ES and BA-- WOW, it would be perfect sex.

So, despite the loneliness, I guess it's time to put all the past behind, and start the search for something new...
I hope it works out somehow...

One week later

Secret rendez-vous with BA.
I saw him at the show last night. Emailed him to say I got him 2 tickets. So he came with his brother. I saw his before to give him the tickets. It was a little weird. And then when we got out afterwards, we ended up talking. We just stood outside for a little while, and then he was hungry and cold and I hadn't eaten dinner, so we went for sushi. After sushi he drove me home, and we kept chatting in the car. Eventually we we tired, and we were sort of reminiscing and curling up in the car together. And eventually I invited him in to sleep over. We didn't have sex. But we were physical. It was kinda nice. And then he left the next morning.

He called later to say that he had no regrets about that night, and that he thinks it was good. He hopes I'm ok with it... I think I am. I mean, I don't really regret it. It's just a little confusing. I don't know how I feel. I mean, I've been spending time with ES. And after that visit to his shrink, I'm sort of wondering and hoping that maybe things will work out. And I know it doesn't make sense to stay/get back together with BA. Totally different life plans. There just isn't enough overlap. But he's really comfortable. Soft, gentle, caring. And I still have some kind of feelings for him. It's not the giddyness and butterflies-in-my-tummy feeling. But kissing him is great. And feeling him is amazing. But there's the problem with sex. That I can't orgasm with him. And besides that, I just can't see a future.
Why does everything have to be so complicated?

And then there's these hopes about what will be with ES. And I can't have both.
Make any sense?

Weight

If I want to just maintain my current body weight, with a lightly active lifestyle (exercise 1-3 times/week), I need to have a caloric intake of approximately 1700 calories/day.

Wow. Serious obsession with weight, huh? I know. I need to work on it. I already hide it from everyone else. At least I can try to be honest here. It's a step in the right direction...

Health

So I find myself going through some sort of transition period. And when that happens, I often have a few new resolutions. Here they are:

I started taking omega 3 supplement in flax seed oil capsules. There are theories that it can help both with concentrations issues and with migraines, both of which I've unfortunately developed this year. So I'm hoping it's going to help. I've only been taking it for a week. Keep you posted.

I'm also trying to start an exercise routine. I went for a power walk this evening. Going to try to do it at least 4 times a week. And maybe try to add in some pilates and weights exercises as well. Wish me luck. Hope I can stay on the wagon.

I need to start eating better. I have a borderline eating disorder. I use food as a source of control in my life, and it's not healthy. I've lost about 3 more kilos, semi un-intentionally, but not totally. My clothes aren't even fitting well anymore. I have I think an all time low weight, with BMI 16. Definitely below a healthy weight.

And lastly for now--I need to work on my confidence. Seriously. Haven't yet figured out how I'm planning to do that. But I'm working on it.

That pretty much covers it. At least for now.

Confused...

It's really impressive how so many things can change, and so many thoughts and considerations can run through your head in such a short time.

I broke up with BA on sunday a week ago. It was a bit hard. He was really nice about everything. I cried alot that night. Took the next day off cuz I just couldn't handle things. And then somewhat managed to pull myself together. I mean, I still think about him. And if I need to retell the story, I get tear-ey, might even break down in tears, depending on the situation. It's always hard to see the person walk away and know that they aren't coming back. I really did love him. Perhaps not as much as I've loved anyone in my life. But it was a serious relationship. And I grew pretty attached to him. He's a great guy. There just isn't any future for us as a couple. Once I decide that, there isn't much point continuing the relationship. But that doesn't mean it's so easy to give it up. I'm so lonely. I so wish I had someone in my life. Someone special who I love, and want to spend the rest of my life with. Sounds cheesy, I know. But it's the truth.

I've been in slight contact with ES over the last month or so. I ran into him on campus. We've talked a bit here and there. In the last few days, I've seen him several times. We had a few long talks. It's weird seeing him again. Like old times, but not quite. I went to his shrink with him, his offer. He's still in love with me. Realizes that this is terrible timing. But the whole time that we haven't been together I've been "the center of his world" and he hasn't been able to have any substantial relationships since then.

All of this has gotten me totally confused. I don't even know how I feel anymore. I mean, I just broke up with a guy I really cared for. And I'm going to be all over all different continents in the next 9 months. Worst time to think about rekindling an old flame that flickered out 3 times in the past. It's not that I haven't thought about him during all this time that we've been broken up. I have. I sometimes even missed him, and wanted to reconsider. But doesn't it say something that we already tried 3 times and failed miserably? How come he still has such an effect on me after such a long time?

Is it totally ridiculous to still be considering that we have any future at all together?

More dresses...

Great dress!! From Nordstrom... only $178
I want it :)

Financial issues

So, I have a new crisis.
Because the military/political mess that's going on right now isn't enough. And the confusion I'm having about my relationship with BA won't do either... (though I think I've pretty much come to the conclusion that it's just not going to work.) And the fact that I'm massively behind on my studying for my exam in psychiatry...

My yearly scholarship to cover my med school tuition is not going to be happening this year. Now, I know, I should just be amazingly thankful for my good luck and fortune that it has covered the past 3 years of tuition. And thank God, my family has money to help me out for this last year. I just can't help but be anxious about the whole situation. $31,500 just for tuition. That would take about 10 years to pay back on the mini salary that I'll be making, not even taking into account interest. That's IF I can even put away any money with such a small salary. Those are savings that I don't really have. And whatever I do have was going to be for a down payment for a house or something...

Anyway, that's my crisis. I suppose it would be wise to deal with the most immediate issue--my psych exam. So on that cheerful note: Good day!

Wedding dress anyone?

Most beautiful wedding dress ever... jcrew of course.


And at $425, I'd say it's a steal :)

My favorite flower

Wedding or not, I think these are stunning!
They're so simple, but totally sophisticated without overdoing it in the least!



And for a centerpiece of any sort...

BCBG MAX AZRIA Strapless Appliqué Dress

Check out this dress--isn't it cute?
And not too expensive, as wedding dresses go... under $400.
Would be great for a slightly less formal wedding :)

News

I've been with this guy BA for over 4 months. after 2 months things were great. Amazing even. I like his family, get along with his friends... And his parents' house is really nice. But things have been up and down since then. I honestly don't know what to do with him. And this unsure-ness has been going on for a couple of months already.

See, there are 3 issues, probably somehow connected to each other. The first is a really big issue--דת. He isn't at all, and it's beginning to drive me crazy. The whole milk and meat/kosher thing, the shabbat thing, you name it. It's just really hard for me to imagine a real future with the guy--how could we live together, let alone raise kids and everything. And if there's no future-- do I want to continue a relationship like that? What's the point?
Then there's sex. He's got potential. He's caring and affectionate. I am definitely physically attracted to him--he's got a great build, and amazing skin :) And he's huge! There's just something that's not working. I don't cumm. My orgasms when I'm on my own have also been not as good as usual. I have a feeling that it could be related to taking the pill. But the orgasms do exist. And I've been able to orgasm during sex with ES since starting the pill, during our round three... So why? Why is it not working?
It might have something to do with the third issue. And that is, that for some reason, he makes me feel not totally comfortable. I know, bad sign--right? it's not that I'm uncomfortable when he's around... Just not TOTALLY comfortable. And perhaps that's why I can't cumm.

Anyway, that's the scoop. I'm gonna try to update more frequently. No promises tho...
חג שמח!